Friday, March 14, 2014

FAITH and Trust in the PATH!!!

I have been getting up at 4 am to do yoga. I never in my craziest dreams thought I would WANT to get up at 4 am to have 2 hours to myself to center my day. I do take a 20-30 min nap most afternoons but it is a rejuvenating nap. I never thought I would do a "home practice" until after I took my teacher training. Now I see, for me, it is essential to start my day having focused my day. My mind feels clear and my heart open. It may close as the day progresses but it starts open and the hope is each day my heart will stay open longer.

Why is my heart so closed. HISTORY! It is how we all become closed. A little child can get a closed heart to cope with their surroundings. I felt my heart open all my childhood. In adolescence, I started coping with food. I think it is in my genetics to have a tendency (kind of like alcoholism) toward food addiction. I see it in many of my siblings and most of us are always battling. Our contentious home in my teen years didn't help our ability to cope. After 20 years of gaining and losing 20 pounds, exercising out of fear or needing to lose the last binge weight, and pain associated with feeling out of control. It seemed no amount prayer or scripture study helped, but I kept a pleading of help and faith in my heart. I gained my first taste of sobriety when I attended OA (over-eaters Anonymous) and i loved their approach. It talked about surrendering your food but also eliminating foods that you can't control. This put me on a path of eliminating, eliminating more, and more. No white flour, no sugar unless he 5th ingredient, no cakes, cookies, candy.....and so forth.

This went on for a year. I felt crazy still. My marriage was husband was acting out regularly in his addiction, I was bingeing on broccoli, carrots, and nuts....I found that I wanted to numb myself and would go to any lengths I could because I was feeling so crazy (now I see so many tools that I needed but was scared to use- trust counseling (no way can trust others), use medicine (bad says media).

 This led me to a year later laying in the back yard on the trampoline looking up at the sky. It was a beautiful day. I said God, HELP! I poured out my soul to Him. I just sat there looking at the sky and focusing on feeling peace in my heart (now I know this is meditation). I felt a peace come into my heart and I just felt a warmth come over me and a feeling that said "surrender". I have God. "No, you haven't. Food is not bad or good. It is to feed our bodies. It can give us pleasure if kept within the bounds I have set. It can give us pain if we control it." 

So I let go and Let God, with a timing that is not my timing. I continued to study the 12 steps but stopped "eliminating" everything I labeled as "BAD".

So for the Last 10 years I have struggled with what to do. I always went back to surrender each time I would go into control mode. I tried Adkins....not good. I tried Paleo...restrict. I tried Vegan...felt weak. I surrendered and went back to reading about nutrition. Learning about my body. Finding healthy recipes that our family liked that included lots of fruits and vegetables, lean meats, beans, and I started to change inside. I started to fall in love with good food (my husband says I am a food snob). I started to try new vegetables and new fruits. The ones I like, I saved. 

I have no restrictions on my food. It is about changing from the inside out. I needed to get my brain chemistry right. I started on medication for depression which helped my binge episodes. Huge help (this after finding the right one). Then I started therapy and he has help me see my "thinking" in affecting my brain. I started on Inattentive ADD medication after realizing I had suffered with that for years after studying some things I was seeing in my daughter. I realized I was suffering with the same thing and I was diagnosed (no hyperactivity) as well. 

When I did my yoga training, he had us take a ring and put it on a piece of thread. We lay down and held the string still so the ring didn't move. Then we were to just "think" right left but we were to hold the ring still. So in our minds we said the mantra "right-left, right-left, right-left" and I was shocked. The ring started moving right-left no matter how hard I tried to hold it still. Then I thought the mantra "front and back, front and back" and it went front and back. The last one was "circle to the left" and it circled to the left. I thought wow this is very mystical...nope. It was just the power of a thought on the physical body. Our thinking affect our physical body. If we have lots of negative thinking, victims, persecutors, or rescuers, we change our brains physical chemistry.

Yesterday I read this article called "Believing is Seeing" by Lynne Forrest. She said  

As the ancient philoso­pher, Johann Wolf­gang Von Goethe wrote, “… the moment one def­i­nitely com­mits one­self, then Prov­i­dence moves too. A whole stream of events issue from the deci­sion, rais­ing in one’s favour all man­ner of unforseen inci­dents and­meet­ings and mate­r­ial assis­tance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.”...
I know of no sci­en­tific expla­na­tion, except it is what is. Heal­ing is self-initiated, but mirac­u­lously affected. I believe the heal­ing process to be one ofthe myr­iad ways we expe­ri­ence God...
One of the more ben­e­fi­cial ways to col­lab­o­rate with the heal­ing process is through the power of envi­sion­ing...
The cre­ative imag­i­na­tion is the first step in con­crete real­iza­tion. We have to dream it first. Pos­i­tive things in life do not come through some­one else “doing it for you”. Nor do they come as a result of how wor­thy you are. Wit­ness the many “deserv­ing” peo­ple you know who are liv­ing in scarcity and strug­gle. Nor is it through some hap­pen­stance or “good” luck We “invoke” what we have into our lives, whether it be pos­i­tive or neg­a­tive. Our cir­cum­stances are deter­mined by what we believe. And belief comes from our abil­ity to see it, or not! Notice the word “see” in that sen­tence. What does it mean? It means that what­ever we visu­al­ize for our­selves is what will be. How we see our­selves is deter­mined by what we are “I am-ing “, or pro­claim­ing as real­ity. For “I am” is the uni­ver­sal mantra of man­i­fes­ta­tion. If I announce from belief that I am wor­thy, it means I envi­sion myself as a worth­while per­son. And I will act and oth­ers will respond accord­ingly. I believe it because that’s how I see myself and by announc­ing it, it is real­ity...Con­scious invo­ca­tion is a type of prayer. A style of sup­pli­ca­tion which includes visu­al­iza­tion, grat­i­tude and accep­tance. We achieve our hearts desire first by allow­ing our inner long­ing to moti­vate us to visu­al­ize it as pos­si­ble and real. We have to see it first on the inner plains before we can exe­cute it exter­nally. Sec­ond, we allow our­selves to feel grat­i­tude for our visu­al­ized long­ing, as if it has already come to pass. As if it is present tense. Right now! This con­cretizes our image, and opens the door for man­i­fes­ta­tion. Fur­ther, prac­tic­ing grat­i­tude moves us into a state of expan­sion. Only from such an expanded stance can abun­dance come. When we become con­stricted due to an atti­tude of scarcity, lim­ited vision or fear, we close the door on the realm of possibilities.And third, after we give thanks, we sim­ply sur­ren­der it. What more is there to do? We’ve already visu­al­ized and embraced it with grat­i­tude. Attempts to con­trol, manip­u­late, or worry and fret merely moves us back into a con­tracted state of being. The door then closes. Uni­ver­sal flow is thwarted. Accep­tance of what I am invok­ing as being in the nat­ural order of things is what is most needed now. It then becomes my task to assist, not con­trol, the process of man­i­fest­ing desire into reality.When I speak of sur­ren­der or accep­tance, I’m not imply­ing that we are sup­posed to sit pas­sively by, twit­tling our prover­bial thumbs in wait for that which has been invoked. What I mean is that belief results from visu­al­iz­ing our goal, which then leads us to expect it to come about. What do you do when you are expect­ing some­one­for a visit, for instance? You pre­pare for their com­ing, of course! It’s the same sort of thing . We set about the work of prepa­ra­tion. From an expec­tant state of readi­ness, we watch for “win­dows of oppor­tu­nity”. And we “act as if”.

Reading this was powerful to me. It is is a good summary of a few truths that are found in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I see Truth in so many places. I love seeing it.

So I see Faith as another name for "believing is seeing"

For “I am” is the uni­ver­sal mantra of man­i­fes­ta­tion.  Christ was know by these words "I AM". It is another name for the power that God has in our lives. 

The cre­ative imag­i­na­tion is the first step in con­crete real­iza­tion. This was a wow factor. So we are divine beings. We can each create spiritually what we want physically. 


I love counseling sessions. I had read about deescalation and I didn't even see how I could put it into practice when I had a recent conflict with my husband. I felt justified and knew he was absolutely in the wrong. The things is I could have completely turned the situation around. I had power to not be a victim in the situation. 

Two weekends ago, we had the most amazing 2 days. It was really nice. So I ask the counselor how to not go into the victim role? I told him how my last week had gone but I just didn't know what to do. I felt trapped and I would contradict my self-talk but it was alot of work. So first we backtracked.

What thoughts and behaviors did you have that good weekend? The goal is to see what worked and reproduce it. Even if he is not. Yes that is the part that makes it challenging. So first the good weekend:

  • Accepted dinner invite from hubby
  • I wanted to try again (after botched valentines date). Forgiveness/Repentance
  • Communication- Active Listening
  • Interested in what he had to say
  • non-controlling
  • non-judgmental
  • shared emotions
  • happy
  • asked questions
  • supportive and encouraging
The we analyze the bad communication event (went bad in less than 10 minutes)
  • I was stressed
  • losing control due to stress felt from dealing with emotional daughter
  • not listening
  • passive listening- passive personality is when don't edit or changed based upon what comes from environment. I AM what my environment says. I let peoples crap pass through me with no filter. 
  • not interested in what he was saying
  • critical
  • struggled to have positive feelings
  • defensive 
So the kicker:
1. Get out of angry/defensive posture
I have no ability to think clearly, apply skills, or have filters when in this kind of posture
The Savior after 40 days of fasting is confronted by Lucifer. The Pharisees mocked and criticized. Not in any situation did he lose control. I said...well he was not exactly human. He said he was but he had the ability to do call down an army of angels if he wanted. He always kept who he of what was going on around him. 
Joseph Smith faced similar situations and he learned to face situations. (side note: He learned and we judge his history heavily on his humanness.)

If as a husband and wife we each keep out of this angry defensive posture then we will have more good times than bad. BUT even if my husband does NOT keep out of this, I don't have to go there. 

He wants me to try something. He said he is more concerned about what I AM doing. He wants me to own up to me and not even to worry about how I feel about what he does. 

He wants me to apply the golden rule. Treat him as I would want to be treated. Be positive, active listening, I statements, praise, and all the other good communication techniques (another time to post these). 

He said if divert from this just keep coming back. (sound like yoga talk)

Do not correct or steer him. No bossing. Nagging. etc

Positive Self-talk. Meditation. 

Put together a tool box: music, movies, books, letters, photos, article, etc that will motivate  or encourage me to stay out of this defensive posture. 

When someone speaks hard things towards you. When someone speaks critical of you, mocks you, belittles you, and does not listen to you.
FIRST STEP: Pause...Don't get defensive!!!
SECOND STEP: Use good communication techniques

"You are a child abuser!!!", hubby says.  So you feel like I am a child abuser? How do you feel about the situation? So you feel.....? That must be hard. I love you. You are...praise.


Next time I would apply the things I learned. My greatest thing I am going to try to do as I am around my husband, kids, and friends is to LISTEN!!!  UNDERSTAND their point of view, even when it is HARD!!!
I suffered for days how I handled it because I lost my inner self. I became a victim. Is it understandable  to react (and even justified at times in our heads) and difficult to not react....YES!!! 

This is what really happened....
My journal entry Entry of the Situation:
 So yesterday my kids pushed me to my limits. Hubby was gone for a doctor appt. My daughter was an emotional roller coaster. Blow up after Blow up. I tried to be patient. Earlier in day hubby sent me an email apologizing for how he treated me yesterday because he felt me distance myself. I was so pleased that I never got defensive. He could not blame me because I used my skills to keep out of a defensive posture and so he had to take ownership of his attitude. He wote:

I am sorry about this morning and the last several days. Friday night we had some short words I don't remember what about, and then Saturday night when I was talking to you about my felling from the day, I felt distance from you. I felt us slipping back into old patterns of inpatients and pore communication. Sunday I felt distance and the walls around your hart back up. This morning you brought up some things that (son) said to you that are inappropriate in both attitude and substance. I want to be clear, he can not talk to you that way, and I am going to have a nice visit with him tonight and straighten that out. I have some feelings about the subject that are a little tender and raw, and I let those run away with me this morning, and for that I am sorry. I don't want (son) to know anything about those concerns and they are none of his business. The boys have observed some of the same things I have. (refering to my inability to keep a house of order as it fluctuates with my ups and downs) I have counseled them to treat you with love and respect and a spirit of service though your struggles as I have tried to do. They are at an age where Mom and Dad don't seem to know much and kids at that age have some contempt for there parents who in there estimation "just don't get it". When we were there age we saw our parents that way, remember. Not that it is OK but we can have some empathy. The bottom line is that I love you and I am grateful for all that you do every day to serve our family and I want to encourage you. I want us to get back to the communication and level of peace and understanding that we enjoyed last week. I will come home today with a attitude of hope and peace and I hope that you will join me in an effort to make our home a place of peace and love that is safe for all to enjoy..

When he called during the day, he brought up genuinely wondering why our son said those things???  I was hesitant but he asked and I felt he was soft and would hear me (maybe). I told him not to talk to him because I felt like he just needed to be shown a good example....huh....???? I opened a can of worms. He probed why i had such thoughts. I told him that I felt he had been shown by his father how to be disrespectful to me. He was surprised that I could dream of such a thought. He said I have always treated you .....blah blah blah. I told him that I felt differently and I felt like it was showing in how our son't treated me. He got defensive and I was not going to engage in the defensive maneuvers any more in our marriage wars. So I retreated....I hung up the phone. 

Then back to my daughter I refered to in the beginning. My daughter was a time bomb and she was pulling me into her war zone. I would send her for quiet time, I tried to be nice, I tried to get her communicate, I would tell her she couldn't talk for 5 minutes, and it kept going....tears, yelling at sister/brother, more tears, poor me, etc. Then dad shows up.  He comes home from work about 7 pm. Dinner done but kitchen a mess. Kids are aware of their dinner jobs but no one did them. Her dad was trying to talk to daughter in our room and I walked into our room. Our young son followed. He climbed on the bed. He was happy. Hubby wanted son out so he could talk to daughter. His tone and facial expression showed contempt toward me. So I picked up my son and dropped him onto the floor with my facial expression full of anger. I broke. I dropped him onto a blanket and pillow and I knew it wouldn't hurt him. My face showed utter disgust at the situation. My daughter had worn me out and my husband's tone fed by early feelings that I felt he didn't care about me (I became a victim at that moment). How he treats and really feels towards me is evident but he does not see it.

The dropping of my son didn't have to be a big deal. He did not get hurt and I was making a point (not probably the best way but I was reacting). I am not sure exactly what my subconscious reactionary point was but I only felt worn out emotionally. He was not injured and my face that my son didn't see was more meant for my husband. Hubby gets upset and I walk out. I was worn out. 

So hubby follows me yelling for me to get back here right now. He yelled that I was a child abuser and he would call the bishop. He continued to insist I come back and yell at me how horrible I was. I said he was not hurt (didn't cry and only said it hurt....without tears was because of drawing attention to it) and I had no intention to hurt him. I dropped him on a blanket with a pillow under it. Go ahead call the bishop. Call the counselor. I don't care. I am not a child abuser. He continued with the bishop is a man of God and what he says.....I said said he is a man and he speaks as a man. (I will always use the spirit and prayer to discern truth....many church leaders speak as men even when counseling.) 

Then it drew in my oldest son next as he came to the rescue of the younger son. My son (oldest) said it was wrong for me to throw him against the the story changed quick. He said dad is right and on and on. Yep he has no respect for me. I will not be a victim to the fact he does not respect I am not sure exactly. 

Yes my 2 oldest son do not respect their mom. (oops victim hard) Their dad has not shown the example toward women they need.  I walked away. 

How do I not become a victim? I wanted to curl up in a ball in the closet and cry. I wanted to feel like a victim. I wanted to have a pity party. I said no! NO!! NO!!!
I am not going to give away my feelings of hope to this. I am not going to be a victim to anxiety and depression. So I sat down to pray and my closet (quietest place to think and be alone).

My Mantra: I will not go to self-pity, depression, or anxiety. 
I put my self in my closet and in my heart I wanted to run away. I felt shamed and no good. I sat in the closet and talked to my self:
  • You are good
  • -You are a good mother
  • -You are loved by my heavenly Father
  • -Women should be respected and loved and not forced by male dominance or treated inferior. 
  • -I don't have to defend myself. There is no need to be a victim. 
  • -I am sorry I was a little more forceful and frustrated than I would like to be toward my son
  • -I do not have to let my daughter suck me into a victim or persecutor. I do not have to rescue her from her own drama. 
  • -I can slow down my heart. I do not have to defend myself. 
  • -I don't have to be a perfect "housekeeper"....It is not my duty to pick up after everyone or do all the chores. I have a life besides laundry, cooking, and cleaning, which I find little joy in and only do because it needs to be done. No one else wanted to do it either. 
  • -My greatest good is to love my children. 
  • -I will apologize for not being as nice to my young son as I should. I was engaged in the drama at that moment but I can pull myself out. 

I closed my eyes and prayed. I did my yoga breathing to slow down my mind and heart. 

I go take an Ativan and get ready for bed. A new day tomorrow. I don't need to run away. I need to rest and find peace. I need to increase my Faith and Hope so I can help others grow in their faith and hope. I am not a victim in this situation. 

Sleep does wonders!

NEXT DAY: Today is a new day.  I have spent time doing yoga. Learning to meditate and learning to find peace and nourish my faith and hope. Dishes never got done. I spent time cleaning my room and bathroom and getting "my space" more peaceful. I am going to make a bench cover tomorrow with my youngest son. It feel good not to be dragged down by others. I am sorry I lost myself for a moment of who I want to be but it could have been so much worse. 

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