Monday, October 27, 2014


I talked with my son for over 3 hours on the phone last night. It was so wonderful to talk to him. He seemed depressed at first but eventually he opened up and a flood gate opened. Wow it was so wonderful to him him talk about living with grandparent challenges and girlfriend stuff. His worries about his job. I am in such a good place right now that I didn't have to be afraid. It was awesome. 

The hardest part is letting myself feel my feelings about gaining a testimony that Joseph Smith is a mystic and nothing else. No corner on truth or spirituality. I have even felt lied to. It is hard for me to even say this after my entire life part of a church that is not what it claims to be. If my ward or bishop knew how my husband and I feel we would be classified as lost sheep but I feel like I am free in my head now of the shame and guilt that living a "commandment" life brings. If we do enough we are good enough. I would love to scream from the pulpit but it is not that simple. I see the ramifications of "coming out" with the community and family. It is not so easy as it seems. 

So I am trying to just slowly help my children see the light and that maybe due to their youth they may not go through the grief process. 

One example: I asked my son last night about the creation. No comment. I believe we evolved over millions of years and humans have been in existence for a few hundred thousand...

Yes, we came from apes. 
If you study science, it has been even shown with DNA. 
What about the scriptures?
Do you think the scriptures are history?
There is something important to understand. You need to see the scriptures within the context of the culture and time period. Also many of the stories are written down hundreds of years after the supposed event. 
(We then discussed the example of the telephone game)
If you understand that scripture as stories that people wrote down to help them understand the world according to their understanding then it opens up so much clarity. 
I figured we would cover one scriptural example: 
Why was Cain given a dark skin? 
He was cursed. (Actually, I explained to him, that is not the curse. The curse was he was to be a vagabond)
Why were the Lamanites given a dark skin? 
What events were occurring in history that would encourage discrimination according to Joseph Smith? Think of his culture (not ours) and what was acceptable. 
Yes. Isn't it understandable that they are racist. According to "their time" it was not "racist" as a culture. It was shifting but still look as second class humans that are cursed. Where do most colored groups live? 
Africa (also covered supposed history of coloring of Lamanites in Book of Mormon....I can't rock his entire boat with the historicity of the Book of Mormon in one night...I have taught him
Yes, If you are living along the equator, what color of skin would it be good to have? 
What is the temperature like? 
Hot and sunny. 
If you think from evolution, What color of skin would be best to have if you live in hot and sunny areas. 
Darker skin
What would happen to me (super white, burn easily girl) if I lived for thousands of years along the equator? 
Get cancer of skin.
Possibly...It makes little sense for me to survive along the equator. There is just no reason I would survive well with the heat and extra hair that many "white" people have. Skin color is only a natural selection process.
( I then told him about the white mouse and black mouse on the sand and rocks)

Well, I really had a hard time with the fact that I have been raised and taught to be a "racist, non-racist" as taught at church and in the scriptures. So crazy in the thinking that people got different colors of skin by a curse from God. Such craziness!!! ....but according to the culture and how they saw colored races through history it makes sense why stories are made as to why people have different colored skins. Stories were created for all current understanding.


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

My comments on this post: Seattle LDS to Gays: Come Back, But to What?

Below are my comments to this blog post:

It has been interesting for me this last 1 1/2 years as a female in her 30's with 5 children, and married in the temple to find her "precious" paradigm change. 

I was your typical conservative member because I was afraid of what was out there. I was afraid to ask a question in my heart because I may be one of non-elite to fall. Then I would be doomed to some "lower kingdom" for eternity because I didn't hold to the rod. So I spent all my time pouring over the conference talks and wondering why I was still suffering. Why was I still suffering from depression and anxiety for 20 years. Why? Why? I just needed to do more, do better, serve more, pray more, etc (the typical answers) and so I would try and try and try with lots of shame and guilt to go with my trying to perfect myself. Yes I know grace is there but I needed to practice more (i.e. do more). 

Well as a last ditch effort I went to therapy and I learned that it was really "neural brain paths" that were the cause of suffering. 

As I healed my brain, I had space in my head and then the questions came with great speed. My whole belief system came crashing down when I realized it was NOT some man (i.e satan) on my left shoulder putting negative self-talk into my was ME!!! 

So how does one look at her husband who has also suffered with shame from the same self-loathing that led to self-medication through pornography and prostitution. This domino affect also resulted in a level of betrayal trauma in me that I was not sure it was possible to recover from. Our marriage was so full of lies, deceit,and suffering but on the outside we were your "typical" LDS happy couple at church with their 5 children. 

Then the spiritual experience started happening. I became a certified yoga teacher and began a meditation practice that led to even greater healing. This lead to me questioning and learning that has took me on a path that has led to greater spirituality and a new way of looking at the church. 

Joseph Smith was an amazing prophet but a complex human with many so-called flaws (he was really affected by his culture/science of his time as we are). The future church he organized was always within the culture of the times and actually behind through-out the history of the time but would have to (an continues to) play catch up 20-30 years later. 

Yes, I have change my views regarding LGBT. My heart is so changed it has been scary to go to church at times. I go because I love the good it offers but I don't believe we have a corner on spirituality, truth, ability to save, or prophecy. 

For example, when I questioned my conservative teachings on evolution (i.e the creation story as taught in genesis and other places)and since my last biology class was in high school, I realized the craziness of my beliefs regarding evolution. This led me to see scripture differently and then to question so-called "modern-day" scripture. 

It has been very painful but my heart now goes out to those who have suffered by our culture in the church. I was fearful my soul would be sent to hell to go against the culture but that is how our teachings keeps most of us from searching greater understanding. 

If I would not have had my yoga training (now I am in Mindfulness training), I would not have seen other truths that are not "fear-based". Now I see that Jesus was all about love and most great teachers through-out history have done much good but when we keep our views that "history" as in the scriptures is "true"...we miss the beauty of the scriptures and all good books that contain truth mingled with their culture of the time or later periods that changed according to their culture. 

As I studied evolution in regard to man, I realized I probably evolved from an ape. I know I have a divine spirit, as I feel in my heart as human beings (rant- not human-doings), we are different from other species in our consciousness. I think scientifically we are showing, when one is willing to look and be open to new ideas, that LGBT are viable biological sexual identities. 

As I have studied more about eastern religions, I see a great need in the church and our society at large to take on greater self-compassion (love of self - neighbor was always 3rd in the scriptures), less doing (I call this effortless effort=less stress), less suffering, less striving, more living in the present moment without judgement, less of this past (depression)or future (anxiety) based living, less pain, greater mental health through brain science (not satan based fear), less judgement, more joy, more happiness, more love, more peace, and more acceptance with all our differences, personalities, and choices. 

I am now so grateful for the trauma that I sought healing from because it has resulted in waking up. I enjoy most days filled with happiness and joy even in the midst of my "mormon" faith paradigm shift (I don't think of it as a crisis anymore). 

Creating My Life

Today (10/22/14), I am so grateful for my life. I am grateful to feel joy in my life. I am grateful for my children. I am grateful I can enjoy them without fear of "bad parenting" but only a need for them to feel loved by their mother. 

I have a desire to write a book. I see it being a story. A true story about sex, trauma, betrayal, pain, lies, deceit, and lust. This sounds like a fictional story but it is mine. The miracle of the story is the path that I want other's to envision in their own life to greater happiness, health, peace, and love. Sounds like a best seller with movie rites to me. No limits in my abundance thinking. 

I see my business growing and hiring someone to help me with the business side of things (actually I have someone in mind). 

I see abundance of family time. Time to connect with my husband. I actually quit my nursing job. I gave 2 weeks notice last Friday. I see my nursing and mindfulness being taken to a new level in the community, in business and corporate environment. 

I am having great ability to teach my kids to live mindful and authentic lives.  In the past it was so easy for me to use my personal fear based self-talk to teach them to "keep the commandments" or your eternal life is at risk. Now I see commandments as fear based in many ways and "lower law" living. 

My husband one day said he is having a hard time with the word of Wisdom as scritpure and commandment. I listened. He explained why...yes I agree. It is not about shame and fear. It is about respect for our bodies. I find I live "stricter" than the Word of Wisdom in many ways. In my desire to "bio-hack" my brain and body for greater health, I find I am actually eating lots of fruits and veggies. The thing about my eating and health, I love the way I feel. I want to eat this way. 

For approx 20 years I spent life binging to numb myself and then exercising to lose weight. I was good if I didn't eat something that I really wanted to eat but I was "bad" if I ate something I was not suppose to eat. I was either good or bad. Food is now neutral for me. No good/bad thinking. It is so filled with shame. This same process happens with most addictions and this cycle is what keeps the cycle going around and around. If we can see food as neutral and then listen to our bodies to what feels "healthy". It is about a CHANGE OF HEART. We lose the desire for the so-called "bad foods". It becomes about healthy choices that are not shame filled. I love my oatmeal with chia, flax, nuts, and berries for breatkfast and my green smoothy, nuts, and dark chocolate for lunch. It is what I WANT. This is the difference in how we need to look at health. It is so awesome. 

I see my husband as he has struggled over the years with the Word of Wisdom in regards to coffee, alcohol, and even tobacco. (and I used to stress about caffeinated soda) I feel peace to let him work through this and find his path to health (he is 130 or more pounds overweight). He knows how I feel about being healthy and I know he wants health in his life. It is his journey and it is so free for me to now feel any need to control his path. Then he feels safe to talk about his path.

He could give you a great speech about modesty, lust, pornography and objectification of women. This is from a man who spent 30 years of his life addicted to lust and objectification. How did he overcome...NOT WITH MORE SHAME!!! ....for another day.

good, kind, compassionate, loving, and filled with peace and joy. 

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Watching a River

I do feel very grateful for so many things. I am grateful I am going to my Mindfulness training class. I am 1/2 way through and the the first half I had a real grasp of in my life. It felt like I am reinforcing being present in each moment. We did a meditation last night that really had me thinking. We practiced moving from the breath and instead just observing our thoughts and just observing them like you are sitting on the side of a river.

I have done this type of meditation before but she brought in feelings. Something I am wanting to bring more of into my life. After a life (20 years) of pushing/hiding or denying my feelings. I WANT TO FEEL!!! I brought this up that how do you feel. I like feeling. It feels good to FEEL. I even will take the anger and the aching heart because with this there is still movement inside. Having progressed to a state of deadness, stonewalling, or past-feeling over those years.

 I perfected the denying of feelings. I even struggle with being able to visualize in my mind. It is black. As I have been teaching other people through yoga, I see that most people are able to visualize. I see myself being able to visualize. I see my brain wiring opening that path.

I think it has become my way of coping with betrayal trauma. If I can't visualize what my husband is doing, I feel no pain. This has only hurt me in the long run. I read this blog post yesterday and to me it seems that there is a training we in the church we go through since our youth to push away our feelings. We are taught to shame ourselves and then have to self-medicate. I wonder how many people self-medicate through  very unhealthy methods in the long run: food, sex and pornography addictions, prescription drugs, shopping, gambling, etc. I think we can even use healthy things that can have long-term relationship ramifications if used for medication. For me I have used exercise just to function and if I didn't I could hardly get out of bed.

Now it is so different. I find I am happy most days. It feels so good inside. Now I want to open the blocked areas to feel, to cry, to see, to hear, to just be the ME that is underneath the layers of bricks. So many have come down. It is a process I am OK with. It took a long time to get so closed and the rate of deconstruction is much faster (thank goodness). She said to just be present with what is. If you are feeling allow it and be present with it. If no feelings are present, to  just be present with that as well. It made sense to let go of the striving to feel. This is called RAIN. An important part is always the compassion and kindness one need to have with the self.

I am needing to give notice today. My husband said, I support you 100% in quiting your nursing job to grow my business. I can't work any more Saturdays. I said OK I will on Monday, then Tuesday, and now I say I will today. It feels so good when I think about having that time with my family (I only work Saturday's). I am so grateful I am finding JOY in my family time.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Starting Day with Centering and Personal Growth

I am so excited for my day today. I was up at 4 am doing my yoga and finding my centering for my day. It is powerful to come to the breath and put the thinking aside for a while. It is said that thinking only takes us into the past (depression) or the future (anxiety).

I have to put my faith crisis on hold at times because I find myself grieving my past (depression), trying to understand my previous thinking and beliefs (more depression), trying to understand the teaching that has been taught at the pulpit (more depression),  where my testimony is going (anxiety), my salvation based on my current shifting (process) paradigm (more anxiety), and the time it takes to process all this "THINKING". It can be so exhausting (due to the future (anxiety) and past (depression) thinking).

This is why the breath has come to mean so much in my life. This is my present moment and it brings me to this place at this moment. Then when I go to "thinking",I notice and come back to my present moment breath. Then I can actually find peace to do something I enjoy in life in the mode of "Effortless Effort". My life unfolds before me in the most perfect way. I trust God is opening doors for me that allow great things to come into my life, my relationships, and my health.

I love to talk in these new ways to my children. I love to feel peace in my heart. I am grateful from my family and my kids. I grateful for my teenage son who is willing to do yoga now. (OK it may help that it is him with 3 other girls- odds are in his favor) I am grateful that the girls that came this week to my teen yoga class were surprised at a new way of thinking besides "stress and anxiety".

One of the girls is #2 in the school academically (I didn't know this at the time). She rated her stress as a 12 on a 1-10 scale. Not good for teens to feel so much pressure to do. I asked what one of current stressors...PSAT is coming up...I said, "are you in the PSAT right now?"...."No"....Breathe, come to the breath, and see how life at this moment is good, with friends, in yoga class. Next week you can be in your PSAT. The stress comes from being in the PSAT right now and not being able to take it.....She just had a look of Awe of her face. A concept she had never before thought. Someone who is #2 in the school has little Mind/Body/Emotional Strength and Intelligence.

I am grateful for peace, growth, friends, and life with all its confusion. I am grateful for my husband that we can talk about how we are feeling. I am grateful we talk about issues that are difficult. I am grateful I am able to provide a safe environment that he can talk about things and it is not about the "church box" I used to be in and the fear that was associated with that. It feels so good and less shaming.

I am attracting appointment with the hospital, Directors, CNO, and CEO (why not go to the top!) to discuss beside nursing and my vision. I see them willing to integrate it into the system and paying me $200/hour to implement.
I am atttracting books, articles, and people reading them for improvement in bedside nursing and integrating mindfulness into hospital for nurses, families, doctors, staff, patients, and community.
I am attracting people to my yoga classes.

That's right....
I HAVE abundance of money, family time,
IAM healthy, wealthy, and wise
I AM learning, reading, studying, and growing in my Faith in God.
I AM peaceful, joyful, abundant, and happy.
I Have great love for my children and my husband. They feel the love I have for them.
I AM a great Yoga Teacher for Adults and Children.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Faith Transition and Compassion with Self During the Process.

I am feeling tired this morning. I don't like being gone in the evenings. My heart want to find  the energy and peace it needs to function each day. Yesterday's busyness was exhausting. I wanted to get up early but just didn't have the energy. That is OK...No judgement needed. Look for peace in this moment. I think I am feeling the heaviness of my faith transition.

I am looking for greater strength by nourishing my faith. To trust all is working for good in my life at this moment. My new faith paradigm is OK and that it is OK even though my perfect theology crumbled when I found space in my head and healing in my heart, to actually question and search.

I am still full of faith in a loving God. My world of Jesus, the atonement, the restoration, the scriptures, the culture are not the same. That is OK. It is difficult that other's don't SEE. I am grateful my husband has joined me in this faith transition. I am grateful I can talk to him and feel same (at first he didn't). I was scared to look before. Scared to find something that might make me doubt. Scared of what was "out there". Scared I might fall and lose my salvation if I did look. What if after I died and woke up on the other side (or however it works), I was not saved because I turned from my church or was not "good enough". Faith is not like that.

If I beat myself up enough in this life for NOT being able to be good enough, then at least I tried. So the depression of my past failing, my anxiety over my (and my husband and kids) exaltation and ability to live up to my knowledge were my heavy crosses to bear.

Then with anxiety and depression as my frame in the present moment, I could not function and the cycle continued. I became a sick person who functioned because I had 5 kids and a husband to take care of. Check off list: cook, clean, scriptures, pray, church, sex, fhe, exercise, temple attendance, meetings, callings, family scripture study, family prayer, repeat, etc...never could quite fit in family history- I did add it to my "not good enough list" along with my failed "plant a garden". After-all now we are suppose to do our family history and names to take to temple.

How my faith journey started:

  • teaching primary Old Testament. I was not satisfied with manual and started researching on internet for scholarship and new ways of looking at the historicity of Old Testament. 
  • This lead to many subjects that the book of Genesis brings up: Creation accounts, Book of Abraham, Book of Moses, Moses, Adam and Eve, Evolution, Fall, Blacks and the Priesthood, Curse of Cain, and the list goes on. 
  • So with a million questions and finding the answers were not so simple as "pray, read your scriptures, go to church, and go to the temple for your education". 
  • I started going to temple every other weeks and found great peace in the celestial room pondering. I would love to just go to the temple for the sake of meditation. No "work" needed. Just for me and my personal meditation. Why do we have to "DO" stuff and why not just "BE" there with God's presence. 
  • With therapy, I saw my thinking was not very healthy...WHAT? You mean that was not Satan sitting on my shoulder putting those thoughts into my head. It was ME all along? NO WAY!!! This was hard for me because it was easier to blame Satan. It also gave me hope because now I could rewire my neural pathways in the brain.. Yes, it is a science. So I started studying brain science.
  • I taught yoga for 3 years and decided to get certified as a teacher. My eyes were opened up to yoga philosophy and mindfulness. I love the teachings of living in the present moment, non-judgment, non-doing, beginner's mind, etc. I started studying mindfulness and adding it to my yoga teaching. These have helped me tremendously with seeing other's at church with compassion as I have had more self-compassion.
  • Loving self is BEFORE loving others. We mess up the scriptures. I started teaching my primary class differently. No need for shame or even most 'Mormon" guilt. I do agree there is a place for guilt among some sins but not the ones that most Mormon women put upon themselves. 
  • Starting a business and seeing God's hand in my growth.
  • Studying Cosmology and it's history through the ages. 
  • Meditation: a huge part of brain change and keeping healthy neural pathways developing.
  • Eliminating the negative in my life: less media, less should and shouldn't talk, less FHE, less commandments, less work, less doing, less shame, less pain, less anxiety, less depression, and wow I have room in my cup for ....
  • More good: family time, building relationships, feeling the Spirit in my life, writing, reading, personal growth, teaching yoga, teaching kids and teens of all faiths mindfulness/yoga (Our culture is filled with the same teachings). More joy, peace, and love. 
I do love my church and in it's purest form it all comes down to one word: LOVE!!!

Joseph Smith in his heart was only seeking God's love for all mankind in the context of his culture, time, place, and circumstances. Yes, as you study it is a mess of a history but so is my history. I will be honest in my history to pass to my children so they know the truth according to their mother. Just as we are part of a church that contains the truth according to Joseph Smith. Now in this modern era along the span of evolution, we need to proceed to the a new shift and transition to a truth (cosmoslogy) according to our time, circumstances, culture, and place. So cool to see religion in that light. We can do this within all the beauty of "Mormonism". 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


Talk about miracles. I went to teach my yoga class tonight and I was feeling heavy all day. Lots on my plate. For some reason only one student showed up. This student happens to teach medical publishing at a local university (big name). I start telling her my ideas and she says, "Have you thought about publishing?" Yea...but I know so little. She said I had some great ideas and she would love to help me publish. WOW!!! What are the odds of that...probably less than the lottery. The moment I am feeling a need to be an advocate for change in the medical field. I get a publisher and an editor, and she just got back from a conference about doing just what I need!!!
See Law of Attraction WORKS...FAITH WORKS!!!
My belief was there but I felt unsettled about path. Amazing door opened. I also decided to cancel my evening classes to have every evening with my family. Peace has returned. Path is clearer!!!