Monday, January 27, 2014

Being Resilient

I had a counseling session last week. He continued on this path of wanting me to get healthy. The big question I have is how to be resilient? That is the word I think fits it the best from my research. So Hubby lied to me a few weeks ago about what he had for dinner. Stupid thing to lie about but I HATE lies. I was hurt. It was a Sunday so he knew he was not suppose to go out to eat. So he lied to cover it up. I saw through it and said to stop lying and walked out of the room.

So my mind goes naturally to...So what ELSE is he lying about. My mind can then come up with some great ideas...but this is an ANT. Automatic Negative Thinking called Mind Reading. Big No No!!! So I say Mind..."don't mind read". Easier said then done. What is accurate? He lied. This hurts inside. I hate lies. I bring up to him that I didn't think he FELT bad enough. Well Counselor said that because he didn't FEEL a certain way that I needed to correct him? Don't I want him to FEEL remorse himself? Well it continues that most men don't feel first. They do and then feel. Women see her neighbor had a baby and needs a meal. She feels for her. She wants to serve her. Hubby would be assigned to bring in a meal (in pretend world) and then would bring the meal out of duty. After he would say... "Wow, I am glad I did that. It feels good to serve". So OK that makes sense. So the saying men have sex and then FEEL love. Women feel love and then want to have sex. I have never liked this saying because of the possible lust avenue it can go. But my counselor says the scriptures are full of examples of both. Duty first and then serve (feel later). Feeling first and then serving. I always thought motive needed to be pure. I guess that is best but not needed. Hence Obedience is the first law under heaven. Love is the greatest commandment but I guess not necessarily needed to start off with.

Back to my lie. So 2 weeks later I bring it up at the counseling session. He said, "Why are you thinking about it 2 weeks later?". I still hadn't felt any resolution. I felt like hubby didn't understand how I felt. (never has so why any expectations....OOPS another ANT....using the word NEVER...soo lets change it to  MOST of the time). Why worry about husband not understanding how I felt? I want something different. But after 20 years is he going to learn overnight? NO! So I have spent occasional moments suffering for him. That was counselors concern. My suffering for something hubby did and that hubby didn't feel the level of remorse he should over his actions. So how does one be happy and not let these things depress them? Not sure exactly. I can ponder this thought and it seems impossible to not let other affect you to some degree. But depression and anxiety that I suffer with may not be the right thing.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with the bishop. It was good. He said I have great faith. He said he wants me to apply the atonement for further healing. He wants me to be able to stand in the prayer circle in the temple and be able to be next to my husband. To feel love toward him...the next level. What do I love about him he asked? I love that he gave me children that bring me great joy (and challenges of course). I love that he goes to work every day to provide for our family. He has always worked and wanted me home with the kids (pain associated with money but he always goes to work even if it has not provided enough). I love that he loves the kids. He even helps me when I struggle with the teens. I get so caught up in the pain associated with teens and he can see past that much more easily. I love when he serves me. It is not as often as I like but I do love service. When my load is lighten it feels great. (my teen cleaned my bathroom why I was at work and when I came home I was so surprised. It felt so good. I am really good at putting myself off and not even cleaning mine. Depression keeps me from many things I want to get done and now I realize my ADD (no hyperactivity) also is factor.)

I told the bishop I can't right now. I can feel that love right now. I want to inside but I can't. When I think about even going to a point of actual love (which to me has a foundation of trust), I am filled with fear. I can't even go there. I think about mechanical love that I lived for the last 20 years. Almost robot like love. Duty love. Have sex 2 times week....done. All is well in Zion because now hubby feels love. I am so empty but if he is OK then all is well in Zion. I get on my knees please help me feel sexually. All would be better if I wanted to have sex with him. But it never came or answered in the way I wanted. I live a life of making myself have sex with him. I can make myself (yes I would block out my heart that ached and just say do it and physical feelings came but usually just a feeling of emptiness in my heart). This kept peace in the home for most of our married life.

When I was told to love, I only felt fear going back to the person I was. All I could envision was 20 years of living in a prison of deadness. Yes there were moments of happiness but I was still in a prison. Coping by not feeling. Ignoring how I felt because then I was a bad wife and never good enough. I was critical, demeaning, and attacking. I love in Victor Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning" he says" An abnormal reaction in an abnormal situation is NORMAL." My husband only made me feel CRAZY in my head. Not on purpose to TRY to hurt me but addiction ruled his life and still does in some ways.Eeven though he says he has been in recovery for almost a year now but even if that is true lack of empathy and communication are hard for him. Don't tell me they are for every man because I am tired of excuses because I need them to find healing. I know for that to occur in our relationship these have to be there.

I just started reading a book called "The resiliency Advantage" by Al Siebert PhD. I always have thought of myself as resilient because of the trials I have gone through and still have kept my faith but I find I have lacked some very import parts. I also have thrived in some resilient traits.

"Resilient people are flexible, adapt to new circumstances quickly, and thrive in constant change...expect to bounce back (from developments that may feel totally overwhelming at first)...have good luck...handle feelings in healthy ways. They allow themselves to feel grief, anger, loss, and confusion when hurt and distressed, but they don't let it become a permanent feeling state...they heal....bounce back stronger"

"...when hit with life-disrupting events, you will never be the same again. You either cope or crumble; you become better or bitter; you emerge stronger or weaker."

"deal with [your] situation in [your] way...not tell what to do or how to act or think....people trained ...perform as instructed....fear change....don't problem solve...comes from deciding to learn good skill for bouncing back from setbacks and working to have things turn out well."

- Working to have things turn out well. Now that is an interesting thought.
-What are these healthy ways of dealing with feelings? It seems if I don't talk about my feelings I resort to shutting down and withdrawing.

He talks about avoiding the victim reaction:
 "spiral downward, mired in unhappy thoughts and feelings". "Victim thinking keeps people feeling helpless, and by blaming others for their bad situations, they place responsibility on others for making their lives better...block you from bouncing do not take resiliency actions". 

"Negative emotions such as fear, anger, anxiety, distress, helplessness, and hopelessness decrease your ability to solve the problems you face, and they weaken your resiliency...immune system

Must also share with others. "Stories of survivors...can be inspiring. 

So how resilient am I???
He asks these questions:
What differences have I noticed between people who are highly resilient and those who are not very resilient?

What are your thoughts about the "art of resiliency? What appeals to you about learning resiliency as "an art"?

Rate yourself from 1 to 5 on the following: (1 = very little, 5 = very strong)
1  2  3  4  5

In a crisis or chaotic situation, I calm myself and focus on taking useful actions.
I'm usually optimistic. I see difficulties as temporary and expect to overcome them.
I can tolerate high levels of ambiguity and uncertainty about situations.
I adapt quickly to new developments. I'm good at bouncing back from difficulties.
I'm playful. I find the humor in rough situations, and can laugh at myself.
I'm able to recover emotionally from losses and setbacks. I have friends I can talk with. I can express my feelings to others and ask for help. Feelings of anger, loss and discouragement don't last long.
I feel self-confident, appreciate myself. and have a healthy concept of who I am.
I'm curious. I ask questions. I want to know how things work. I like to try new ways of doing things.
I learn valuable lessons from my experiences and from the experiences of others.
I'm good at solving problems. I can use analytical logic, be creative, or use practical common sense.
I'm good at making things work well. I'm often asked to lead groups and projects.
I'm very flexible. I feel comfortable with my paradoxical complexity. I'm optimistic and pessimistic, trusting and cautious, unselfish and selfish, and so forth.
I'm always myself, but I've noticed that I'm different in different situations.
I prefer to work without a written job description. I'm more effective when I'm free to do what I think is best in each situation.
I "read" people well and trust my intuition.
I'm a good listener. I have good empathy skills.
I'm non-judgmental about others and adapt to people's different personality styles.
I'm very durable. I hold up well during tough times. I have an independent spirit underneath my cooperative way of working with others.
I've been made stronger and better by difficult experiences.
I've converted misfortune into good luck and found benefits in bad experiences.

Your Resiliency Score is: 62 (My friend took it for me who knows my situation and she gave me a 72. So I am probably between these 2 number because I am usually hard on myself)

80 or higher very resilient!
65-80 better than most
50-65 slow, but adequate
40-50 you're struggling
40 or under seek help!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014


In a blog I read today she said speaking of a friend...
"It's becoming very clear to me that she's always had more of an understanding about who she is -a daughter of God, a daughter of a King, a literal royal traversing her way through a brief mortal test. 

When that fact is understood down deep in my soul, I make different choices.  I don't worry about what others' may or may not think... not only do I not care, I don't give it a second thought.  I make choices that matter: whether that's holding a sick baby or investing in God-given interests, or acting on a prompting.  Life simplifies, and I feel peace.

But that isn't all.
The greatest blessing that's springing from understanding who I truly am is that I see OTHERS for who they truly are as well."

  How I long to give my kids a feeling of who they are and that they see something greater about life. The world has a strong pull. But also I see the pull of their "weakness". My kids all have least 4 of them. It adds challenges. Makes impulsivity easier. Makes mental work harder. It seems they get it from both sides of the family. I never thought I had it but now I realize I do as well but I have coped will through my schooling. I crave adrenaline but have sought it through healthy ways like exercise and outdoor adventures. I suffer at home though when I need to clean, study scriptures regularly, and with a binge eating disorder to feel or to numb. I have been taking medication for a few weeks and it has opened up so many things. Treating my depression and ADD with prescription medication have been miracles. I tried every "natural" product I could to find some normal to my mental health but I am grateful I finally went to a psychiatrist. I just don't want my kids to suffer like I have for the past 20 years since I was a teen. My husbands addiction spiraled my binge eating, dieting, depression, and anxiety to a new level but I do have to say they were there before he came into my life. 

she goes on to say regarding following one of her passions....

I feel so good!  I could care less if anything sells because I'm having so much fun.
I set two boundaries for myself with this shop:
1) If I ever felt panic or pressure, I will step away from the shop for as long as it takes.
2) I will make and sell what I love, not what I think others will love.

The more I let myself go and really find antiques and colors and ideas that make my heart soar, the better I feel.  I'm less stressed when I know I'm doing what I should be doing at this point in my life.  Writing, crocheting, digging through antique stores to find treasures!  It's really rewarding, and I'm finding more of myself.
You should go and do what makes you tick.  Like, now.

This really hit me because I have been feeling super anxious these last few days about teaching a Yoga class to a group of 8 and 9 year old girls at church. I need boundries like these. I am suppose to teach them how yoga can be peace, health, etc.... It has only brought anxiety. I love teaching yoga. I will be certified soon. My class is free and I love it that way. My students are faithful at coming and they bring me joy. I love my class I teach because I feel no pressure and have been blessed with peace the entire way of entry into teaching. From quitting gyms, missing yoga, inviting friends to join me to practice yoga and Pilate's, and then opening it up to my community. With is kids class, I feel pressure and even panic. Reading this this morning I am going to let go. I will do my best and trust God to help me. I will not resort to the panic I have felt because I love to teach these things and I need to trust myself and turn the newness of teaching these things to children to a higher source, and have FAITH. 

Monday, January 20, 2014

Creating and Talking to kids about Pornography

We were put on this earth to create. God the Father of our spirits is the supreme example of creating. His son was sent here on earth to redeem us from the fall. While on this earth though we get to create. Not as we may one day be able to create but as we can on this earth. We get to create bodies for children. As I have brought each of these children into the world I feel like Eve to exclaim as in Moses 5:11:

  "And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient."

Opposite of Creating....Pornography:

Talking about pornography. I have tried to get better at it but it is something that has had a big affect on my life. I came across this blog and I have struggled with how to talk to my little ones about pornography. I have seen my 5 year old son looking at an immodest picture and being drawn to stare at it. It bothers me and I just distract him. I almost feel triggered and afraid for his future becasue I love him so much and I see the devistating affects that pornography have on boys (I know girls are affected to but I have not had any experience with that. My experience is with betrayal trauma spouse, sons who struggle, and a family history of male involvement in pornography addiction). So I came acrosss these lines to say to a small child. I like this and I may use this next time with my son. Does not seems so scary and cringing inside and being afraid for his future ability to not be addicted in a image saturated world of immodesty. From blog called Women for Decency:

My husband and I now have two sons. And if you think talking about pornography with a date is awkward, try talking about pornography with a four-year-old.
I started real simple: “Son, there are things that can hurt your brain: 1) bad pictures, called pornography, and 2) bad stuff you eat, called drugs or alcohol.” My son didn’t flinch. He didn’t implode or have a seizure. He looked at me, nodded approvingly, and then he returned to playing with his trucks. No big deal.
And then I kept talking about it. For example, when I noticed him looking innocently at immodest women on a magazine cover at the grocery store, I said, “Let’s give that woman her privacy. Looks like she’s not quite dressed – plus pictures like that will hurt your brain.” He nodded approvingly and looked away. No big deal.
Driving in the car the other day, he said, “Mom, there’s a bad picture. I won’t look at it, so my brain won’t get hurt.”
Talking about pornography doesn’t have to be painful. Of course, it may be at first. Please don’t say, “I tried talking about pornography once, it didn’t go very well.” Try again, for heaven’s sake. Keep trying!
The more I’ve practiced talking about pornography, the easier it’s become. It does get awkward sometimes, but I talk about it because I care about my family and community.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Faith, Trials, Temples, and oddly GMO

So my faith is made stronger today. Yesterday I went to the temple and I felt the spirit in the temple like I have not felt before. I really felt myself serving another person. As I took that name through the endowment, I know that we are doing for them what we can't do for ourselves. I actually felt a longing to find names from my family lines.

My husband was not with me. A few weeks ago, he asked me if I would go with him to the temple. I said yes but on the day we were going to go my anxiety skyrocketed and I prayed. I didn't go. I went yesterday without him and he went in the afternoon. I am scared to go with him because I feel so little wifely love toward him. I love him as the father of our children and for my covenants I made at marriage but I lack many wifely feelings of love.

This morning I watched a video about Stephanie Neilson and I was so touched by her faith in her trial. I realized I can have that same kind of faith in mine. I saw the love her and her husband had in the video and I realize that I have so little, but Elder Holland said at the end that the type of trial does not matter. I need to come to my Savior and he knows me. This comforts me.

I was doing some research on GMO yesterday after the temple for 3 hours. It was exhausting but I felt sucked into the black-hole of the Internet in researching both sides of the story. We are going to do a garden together and she is very ant-GMO. I am undecided. I will not do anymore research on the subject because I have bigger fish to fry. Kids to raise, marriage to repair, Missionary work, Temple work, Family history work, exercise, Scripture study, etc..... It is just not a priority for me. I know that the Lord will keep me well to accomplish his work as long as I am faithful to HIM. So I sent her the following email yesterday:

I have to STOP. I may end up anxious if I keep going. I have spent the last 3 hours (ouch) researching GMO from both sides. It is a mess is all I have to say. I can't say no one is not biased. I do think I believe in labeling. I found that  as one comment said on a site "when I research a topic, often I find two conflicting points of views on that subject, and it is difficult for me to decide which sources are unbiased and such, as nowadays it seems money and sponsorship plays a large factor in deciding the outcomes of research." I would read a for and say yea that makes sense and then against and say yea that makes sense.
WOW that was exhausting. I will vote for labeling if you ever need a vote or a voice. As for all the research and science, I say the jury is still out because it seems like there is so much good and bad mixed in the industry because there has been good and bad in virtually every industry. I believe in being able to make our own choices and so I believe in labeling. I believe in business big and small. I do believe there is corruption in all places. People gripe about big oil being evil and all I say is oil supports our family and fills my car so I am biased because it pays my bills and has been a blessing in my life. So it goes with every industry for and against and those who work in them.  

I Just have to stop reading and say that I don't know the outcome but I will go back to my trust in God. His plan has always been opposition in all things. I believe in eternal life and this life is just a testing ground if we will follow Him. The bible says "...The ground was cursed for our sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life. Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee....Genesis 317-18" As God has blessed us with amazing technology, science, and industry, I just hope man just does not forget HIM in it all!
So lets plant a garden organically, buy non GMO seeds, bless the food we eat and pull our own weeds:)
Thanks for your friendship. I am glad I am more educated than I was. I appreciate all you have done to enlighten me on the subject. I love nutrition, exercise, health, mental health, nursing, and taking care our bodies that God has given us to the best of our knowledge.
I then started studying the creation and then I realized there are many versions of the creation. This started to confuse me as well. Why do the modern revelation versions "vary"? Why is the temple version different from others? I started doing a little research and wow anti-Mormon websites galore. I am surprised people who fall away fight so hard. I knew these sites existed but I never thought them or been on them. Curiosity got the best of me and I clicked. There is lots of stuff and I can see how someone who spent their days reading this stuff could fall away. If you are not feeding your spirit with the word of God you could lose the SPIRIT of the temple. We have always been a covenant people. I really struggled for years with my testimony of the temple. I didn't understand so many things. I went maybe 4-6 times a year for 15 years out of guilt and left feeling nothing great. Then I would hear someone bear their testimony of the temple and I would say to myself, "That is what I want". I would pray for it. It has been the same with scripture study. I would hear someone bear their testimony about how they LOVED to study the scriptures. In my heart I would say, I just read out of guilt because I haven't read for a while. I would start again and stop. BUT I would say to myself, "That is what I want!". I would pray and I would pray because I am SUPPOSE to. My mind would wander and I would feel guilty because instead of praying I had just planned my day or ruminated depressed thoughts. I would hear others pray and I would say to myself "That is what I want". When I was reading these sites, the only thing I felt to say to myself was "This is NOT what I want". I never felt a peace with what they were saying but a justification of why they fight against a church that they left. Instead of seeking for their Savior, they left to follow the worlds philosophies. I do not know all things but I know that the spirit only brings peace. sometimes it takes a searching, and looking, and finding for that peace to come but with FAITH in Jesus Christ it ALWAYS comes.

Now as I have gone through my of the refiners fire that life puts before us, there have been many times I have said to God...where art thou? The thing that I have felt to do is to increase the acts that prophets and apostles have testified would increase my faith and peace. I would pick up my scriptures. I would get on my knees. I would go to the temple. One day I had a very strong impression that if I would double my temple attendance, I would be blessed with the testimony I desired of the temple. Almost 1 1/2 years after that commitment and of going mostly every other week for that time, I feel nothing but to say my faith in my Savior Jesus Christ has increased. I find myself longing for more time to study my scriptures and an hour will pass and I just wish I had 2 hours. I get on my knees and I want to stay and talk with my Father in Heaven longer because I have so much to tell Him and express to Him, but my kids have come in 3 times to interrupt. As I go to the temple, I feel that I am serving someone who has gone on before me. I pray to learn what the spirit wants me to learn. Thing only discerned by the spirit. Hidden from all the blogs. Things they will never be able to report. I feel I can then go into the celestial room and pray for me, my family, and my loved ones. I can sit in the closest place I know on earth that I can be to pray to my Father in Heaven. Yes my faith then increases because I love Him. I feel His spirit with me. This is personal revelation. Not something you read in a book or a blog. This only found from a Higher Source.

In my curiosity search I found this and it contained this quote:

Mormon historian Richard Bushman suggested as much in a 2007 Pew forum on Mormonism:
“Once you get past that [temple] door, you immediately go to a changing room where you shed your outer clothes and put on special white clothing. In the temple you speak in whispers. You don’t speak aloud. And then outside the temple you don’t talk about it at all. Some people think of this as secretive in the sense of hiding things. But for Mormons, it’s all part of the process of creating a sacred space. When you walk in there, life is different. You just feel things are on a different plane.
When you come out, it’s not usually an overwhelming vision you have experienced, but you feel elevated. It becomes very important for Mormons to go into that space, just like practicing the Sabbath, keeping it holy, has an exalting effect on human life. So that’s the way I look at the temple ceremonies.
Mormons know you can go online, get every last word of the temple ceremony. It’s all there. So it’s not like it’s hidden from the world. Anybody can get it. But among us, we don’t talk about it that way. It means something to us. It means a lot.”
As Bushman seems to imply, Mormons can continue to recenter the sacrality of Temple ritual somewhat away from elements of secrecy toward the personal, communal, embodied importance of participation in the covenants. After all, many of the elements participants promise not to disclose are received in the company of others. This doesn’t mean Mormons will start “telling it all,” but that individual Mormons can keep promises aside from whether people can Google things, and that the participatory elements of the ceremonies can be better emphasized in preparing for and discussing Temple participation.

I think that this is why the sacredness can never be taken from us by those seeking to destroy God's work. It is His work. Not man's work. There has always been those who seek otherwise from the beginning. I just hope those who struggle with their faith may find the courage to increase the actions that increase faith. It is OK to question but seek the Spirit for confirmation through prayer for truth only He can give us through study of the Scriptures.