Monday, September 29, 2014


My heart is so troubled. My mind is weighed heavy by this heaviness. What is truth? I have is believing in something you can see...this is creation in it's purest form. I have seen this in action in my life in untold ways.

I am also angry at my husband. I discussed with him my questions regarding the divinity of Jesus Christ, the atonement, the priesthood (ongoing), and the messages of doing/shame as the emphasis in the church. It is very difficult for me after voicing that after speaking to him how I feel we could go camping and still find devotion to God by not "officially" going to church. He brought this up yesterday in defense of his position of taking his daughter to a volleyball game 2 hours away with her team. My point actually was a NEED for increased devotion, meditation, searching, and guiding our children to God in nuruting ways. So now he is leaving this morning and come home late and do a science project. Sounds very soul nurturing to me. He says that I have no idea of his plans. I just can't help but feel that his plans have similar to his "didn't what I say at Chuckee-cheese mean anything"...What? The 30 seconds you say you want to connect with me and then say if we can have a productive conversation that you would be willing to take the heat at work for not going in on a Saturday. NO THANKS!!!(sarcasm intended) I was not feeling productive. I feel PMSing (is there such a word) and also frustrated by our lack of connection. My fear that he will use my questioning as a justification for doing what I call "bad things" or probably more likely things I am afraid of...not that my fear has stopped him before (i.e pornography, a concubine on the side, alcohol, maybe a smoke here and there, etc). His argument that if the Word of Wisdom is just stated as a commandment because prohibition was in vogue and voted as is probably not wrong. Possibly...but his history says "red flag"...excuse to sin...not as a reason to live something even higher.

So yes I guess I can say I am afraid...FEAR...False evidence appearing real? Do I know at this moment he feels this way. Is he now? Not that I know or even care. So dig deaper in my soul. testimony is being put through the ringer. I am afraid that my belief in "my church" and somehow there are "mormons" in heaven. It just does not make the same sense it did before.

My cup emptied when trauma lessened. My fear of searching and questioning left me. I started therapy, became yoga certified, learned about mindfulness in the buddist tradition, started mediating, and depression/anxiety were no longer my guiding light. My head had space and so my desire to search and learn increased. My cup was empty....Please teach me I pleaded to God.....
Empty Your Cup
There once was a Japanese Zen master who received a university professor who came to inquire and learn about Zen.
It was obvious to the master from the start of the conversation that the professor was not so much interested in learning about Zen as he was in impressing the master with his own opinions and knowledge. The master listened patiently and finally suggested they have tea. The master poured his visitor’s cup full and then kept on pouring.
The professor watched the cup overflowing until he could no longer restrain himself. “The cup is overfull, no more will go in,” he said.
“Like this cup,” the master said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?” 

Like the university professor, our cups are overflowing with cares, concerns and worries about ourselves, our families, our jobs, our health, the world, as well as the past, present and future.
Life is noisy – metaphorically, if not literally. It can be hard to stop, because we’ve got a lot of things going on.  Our “Restless Spirit Syndrome” causes us to think about, worry about and dream about a lot.  Like Elijah, we keep running, often motivated by fear and anxiety. 
I am in the thick of issues arising in my heart. So I went to General Women's Broadcast and I found so much troubling to my heart. SO MUCH DOING!!! I have to have space and not more task lists. My feelings of "public optismism" and laying on more doing is depressing for women.

1st Talk: Burton- Be prepared to go to temple. How? Do more!...athletes and going to school as examples of how to be on TOP!. Exaltation=Obedience? Home a temple? 5 wise and 5 foolish virgins; Captain Moroni and his great doing to prepare. Drop by Drop of adding oil by doing: the long list...if we do enough we can be exalted.

I want my home to be a place of safety for my kids. A place to be just where they are and in whatever struggles they have. To know they are loved uncondiitonally. I want my home to be a place of peace but not perfection. I do not want arguing and fighting but open and honest communication. I want optimism and positive outlooks on life taught but a heavy emphasis on being in present moment. To live life of love. These are not what I hear...When I think of the temple now...I think of a place to meditate and creating a present moment connection with God. It is about relationships. It is about Creating. It is about love. It is to BEcoME (We were analyzing the sign in the meeting in the Alaska meeting. It had the co underlined in BECOME ONE...we decided it meant BE__ME. We couldn't find any evidence for that but I love it as a motto. I struggle with become one=sameness)

I can see their good hearts. I love the fruits of the church. We are very good at doing but I see more women struggling like I have for 20 years. Guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, and control issues due to our lack of control in all the doing that can't be done. Do your family history is the current plea.

When I sat in therapy for the first time, I started on a healing journey and path. This only cleared room in my head and I wanted to learn more. I then was blessed with an overwhelming desire to be a certified Yoga Teacher and a miracle opened up in being able to the means to get certified. In my class, it was where I sat and felt the spirit so strong that I questioned where I was at times (I thought we had a corner on the truth an spiritual). I was in yoga training- not church. I would go home lifted and overwhelmed with self-compassion. I remember when I learned about meditation and he said it is simple. When meditate and you notice that you have wandered (which will happen), all you have to do is notice and REMEMBER to come back to the present moment of the breath, without judgement. Wow, this was the meaning of the sacrament...remembering. I was changed from then on.

My next struggle is Covenants, ordinances, and Priesthood. Yes, I know it is very deep but this is where I am at this moment. More questions than answers. My faith strong in a loving God. My faith strong in our creative abilities in our lives. My faith that I AM enough and I AM abundant. My faith that this life is more about creation and less about "a test" to pass. That we create what we want eternally in the present moment. We are expanding in creating peace and love or expanding in creating suffering and misery. It is more gray area and less black/white thinking or good/bad. So hard for me to articulate in writing my heart.

God is guiding me on my path. I trust he is opening up to me what I am seeking. I have watched part of a series on Netflix called Cosmos, and I have been really touched by the reality of God. An analogy I heard somewhere that I love is that a jet engine has enormous energy potential but an intelligence had to create the jet engine. It didn't just appear and neither can it be made without a creative intelligence behind it. If we saw a jet engine in space, we would never question that it had some intelligence behind it's creation. So this I have only been able to increase my faith in. Our creative potential here in this mortal sphere using our minds. I have heard it called by many things with some nuances but overall the same premise of creation.

For example: Law of Attraction, Faith, Flow, Manifestation, Non-Doing or Effortless Effort, Abundant Mentality and I am sure there are many other terms. The key seems to be creating our present moment experiences at a sub-conscious level by our beliefs. Our beliefs are deep and strong. They create our thinking, our dreams, and our feelings. They key to unlocking this power is meditation. To either change our beliefs or create (ask and ye shall receive). I want to create/attract/manifest an abundance of time to nourish relationships with my husband and kids, the money to accomplish this, to have peace inside and lots of self-compassion.

Why is it that the positive message I feel when studying these principles resonate more with me than the 'scriptures" right now? Why is it that I see culture as a major distraction from God? Why is it that I see truth in so many places and right now I am questioning my current "idea of truth"?

I do know I am seeing the answers coming in the right way and right time. I trust the path and I truth the wonder and magnificence of a QUESTION!

Monday, September 22, 2014

MORE Gratitude, Faith, and Self-Compassion

May I feel the feelings that come with a grateful heart:
  •  I felt anxiety yesterday when I went to register for a training course...$475. My husband had no problem with it, I even had to ask him to come sit by me for a moment while I sorted my feelings. I am grateful for the opportunity to be taught by someone and grow. I am grateful for my husband who encouraged me when it was hard for me to invest in self-care. I am grateful for his support in the evening when I take this course for the next 7 weeks. 
  •  I was able to get canceled from my job on Saturday, It was a miracle. I needed the weekend with my family and my husband. I am so grateful for that time I had with my family. 
  • I think of the sweet conversation my husband and I had with our high-school son last night. We spent over two hours talking. At first it was over his cellphone (and his NEED to have it) and this led to him sharing with us his feelings about his testimony, not wanting to go to college, not wanting to serve a mission, girls, sex, girl drama, boys, drugs, friends, school and emotional health. How grateful I am that my husband and I had the skills to know how to show empathy. I watched as my husband listened, tried to understand his pain, and told him he believed in him to find his answers. We "solved" nothing, made no decisions (even about cell phone), but made lasting connection and bonding. WOW...what a miracle. In the past I probably would have felt fear rise that my son would speak such things. The fact that he is sharing will allow him to find the space in his head to grow and seek answers.
  • grateful I moved my kids yoga classes back home. I am looking forward to a little more time and less stuff to haul around. 
  • I have my new yoga class today for the second day. I am excited for this class and it's structure. It is empowering for me to have a class that meets one day a week and being able to grow and progress in my teaching of mindfulness and yoga. 
  • housecleaners that come every week. 
I am attracting into my life (FAITH):

  • Teaching my classes with peace and love, meeting the needs of the students, and knowing what those needs are. 
  • Showing love to my husband by feeling it in my heart. 
  • time to study my scriptures for personal growth and testimony building.
  • Peace as a mother. Time to connect with my kids and kindness in my heart towards them.
  • Abundance of money, time with family, health
  • skin free of Exima that has been with me 15 years. 
  • People coming to my yoga classes who would benefit from my knowledge and services. 
  • Middle school girls to come to yoga.
  • New floors and yoga room, and the money to get what would be best.
  • Connection with my daughters today.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Faith Works!!!

I just have to show how FAITH WORKS!!! Belief in something you Can't SEE!!! But you have to BELIEVE. Yesterday I put out faith that I would be able to get day off today in my nursing job. You can see in my post yesterday I put out into the universe that I would be able to find out Friday if I was going to get the day off. My boss told me that she would call me at 5:30 am if I could have the day off. I was laying in bed deciding which meditation I wanted to go to sleep with. At 11:30, my boss called me and said I could have the day off!!!
I had to laugh a little inside because it was so close to "the next day".

Friday, September 19, 2014

UPDATE: Gratitude, attraction, and That's Right....

Update from this post: 

I am grateful for these last 4 weeks of love and compassion I have felt for my husband. It has not been free of challenges but I have been able to be mindful during them. For this I am also grateful.
I am grateful for a good night sleep. My husband was suppose to call me at 6 am to wake me up as I turned off my alarm this morning. He didn't. My neighbor calls me at 6:55 to tell me that it is raining and she will be driving the kids to school and wanted to know if my daughter wanted a ride. I wake up my daughter and my other 2 kids are playing together. Well we got her ready in 15 minutes...and fed and my other 2 kids out door by 7:35. I did have to breathe a few times to stay calm in my heart.

I feel grateful for mindfulness and the blessing it is my life right now. That I can just be present with my beating heart right now at this moment. I just talked to my boss about getting the day off tomorrow. I was wanting to bring an immediate "yes" to the table but she said that one nurse had called in the last 2 days and she could not take me off till 5:30 am. I am grateful that I was able to talk to her and let her know my desire to have the day off tomorrow. I feel a need to increase my faith that I will have the day off tomorrow. I want to attract the day off tomorrow. I want to not only attract a day off tomorrow but also attract the knowledge of it TODAY!!!

Anxiety regarding working on Saturdays' has plagued my Fridays'. About 6 months ago I felt a need to be done working on Saturday. It only has led to even more anxiety on Friday. I practice being Mindful on Friday, but I have come to enjoy my Saturday so much with my family that I almost resent having to work on Saturday. I love the peace I feel on Friday to have a let down from the week. I feel a level of "UP" during the week and on the weekend it is nice to have a "down". I practice being mindful during the week but I can't seem to shake Friday anxiety before work no matter how much I do or don't "try" (and it has ZERO to do with my actual job as a nurse or the stress on the job...I just want to be with my family). It just rises in my chest. It feels like I should not be going to work and I have been attracting a different source of income through my Yoga business, but each time it rolls around it reminds me that I should not be working on Saturday.

I breathe and at this moment, I am just being present with my anxiety. I already feel it rising in me. I feel it just having talked to my boss about getting the day off tomorrow. I talked with her 1 1/2 weeks ago that I would like to quite bedside nursing (or transition). I just need to give her the "green light". My conversation went well with her. Time passes so quickly and another week is almost gone and I still have not sent the information to the hospital administration. I know that what is right is coming into my life and what is not will go away. It is coming with ease and with little or no effort.  I know that God has given me the POWER to create MY LIFE.

I am creating tomorrow as a day with my family. I am creating someone or someway coming to pass for me to be home. I am creating that a way will be opened up TODAY for the knowledge to come into my life that I have the day with my family. I am creating time with my husband and kids tomorrow. I am feeling abundance of peace and joy tonight with my family. I am feeling grateful that I received this knowledge today. I am grateful that the LOA is another way to describe FAITH (belief in something you can't see). I see this knowledge coming into my life to have Saturday off.

I am creating an opportunity to get into the MBSR course offered locally. I am seeing opportunities arising for me to get the training to teach and also for my own personal growth and development. I see my husband coming with me to take the course. I am paying cash for the course. I am seeing (_______) calling me to discuss the course with me and wanting me to take the course and train me. I see her finding time to visit with me in schedule and grateful that she took the time to visit with me. I see her seeing my gifts and talents to teach Mindfulness.

I am seeing people come to my Yoga classes. I am seeing them telling neighbors and friends about my classes. I see abundance of money. I am teaching my children to be more mindful. I am inspiring them to want to apply mindfulness in their life.

I am attracting: 
an ability to visualize pictures in my head/brain. My mind is black. I have color and vivid dreams but my waking mind is dark to see. 
beautiful furniture for my home 
a yoga studio/media room, new engineered hardwood flooring, carpets, paint. tile, front door, working garage door. 
Greater Love in my current relationship with my spouse. So grateful for my increase in love since I wrote this the first time. I never dreamed I would find it by being faced with another challenge but it was at catalyst for being able to change my boundary. 
People to share my knowledge of Mindfulness, Yoga, and Law of Attraction (Faith in Jesus Christ according to my beliefs) with  who will pay for my services and others I can offer scholarships to who can only pay less but need help. I have had many already coming to my class. 
Boys and men who will try yoga and mindfulness. (My son and his friend came to class on husband has been coming for 5 weeks)
hospital, doctors,  and business offering my services to their employees and patients. I am currently working on information to give to the hospital to present to them Mindfulness. 
Lots of time with family and husband. I am creating and talking to administration in the hospital to transition to teaching Mindfulness. 
Transitioning in hospital from my current job to teaching mindfulness or ending my employment with current hospital Talked with the hospital about transitioning from bedside nursing to teaching mindfulness. 
Canceled from Work on Saturday to spend day with family.  This Saturday I am creating this also. 
Going to Ride Park in morning with kids We decided to wait till fall until it cools off. 
money coming into my life In my newest yoga class, I am making 100% of the money. 

Thats Right....
...I believe in myself and practice self-compassion So IMPORTANT!!! life is amazing 
....I feel strong.
....I have energy
....I have positive thoughts 
...I am receiving the inspiration I need each day to do God's will in my life relationship with my husband is growing YEA!!! Miracles are happening. relationships with each of my children has sufficient time for nurturing and having positive relationship time. I was able to go to the movies and dinner with my teen son and even during the movie he put his head on my shoulder. We had a wonderful talk at dinner about girls. 

Monday, September 15, 2014

New Lens to See Scripture

I listened to this podcast regarding scripture. I am grateful for my "new" translation of scripture. It is not used to beat me up or shame me as in time past. Scripture is written mostly (some may have more political motives for power) men with good intent. This is what is important...intent. To see past the "actual" word into something greater is what is important.

As I have studied the Old Testament this year, my world has been shaken up. I was not satisfied with my understanding of just "reading" the KJV of the bible. I wanted more. I started searching scholars and other sources for further light. My eyes were opened to the culture, context, and lens these "scripture" are written. Being open to seeing scripture, prophets, apostles, bishops, and anything else with a new lens has blessed me beyond description (and lack of time at this moment to write)

The podcast has these 3 authors speak about their books and Scripture: link
  • Joseph Spencer: “Scripture and the Structure of Religious Life”
  • David Bokovoy: “‘I Will Tell You in Your Mind and in Your Heart’: Reading the Bible Critically as a Believing Latter-day Saint”
  • Adam Miller: “Reading Scripture: Continuing the Work of Translation”

Monday, September 8, 2014

My Daughter

My daughter locked herself in the bathroom yesterday morning. Church is starting in 5 minutes and she will not come out. I pulled off my "I am bad if I don't get to church on time" hat and put on my "daughter is more improtant than being to church on time hat". She said go to church and we will talk later. No, You are more important. I am not going to church without you....more time passes. Do you want to open the door or do you want dad to open the door. She decided to open the door (she is smart enough to know that dad opening door with a little tool is not going to help her stay locked in bathroom). So we go into her room and she will not talk. So I say I will give you "yes or no" questions.  They ended up being short answer but it worked. 
Does it have to do with school or home? ....Home
Does it have to do with a thing or with family? family
Does it have to do with parents or siblings? ...parents
Does it have to do with mom or dad?

Does it have to do with yoga? ...kind of
Does it have to do with spending time with mom? ....kind of
Does it have to do with work?....Kind of
Does it have to do with kids yoga? No, I like that....(inside I say yea because these are my hardest to teach)
Does it have to do with .....finally she opens up

She is feeling like my work is taking to much time away from the family. She is feeling like during the summer all I did was work and she had to babysit and cook. (She did have to help more) She feels like we never go camping anymore. She had so much fun when we went out to dinner and bowling just before my oldest son left for school. She says she misses family activies and games and ...etc.

I feel the same way. I talked to my husband on Saturday after I was canceled at my nursing job. I could have shouted at my excitement of being called off. I got to go to the soccer game and ward party. It was great to spend time with my husband. Yes, shocking!!! Miracles are happening in our relationship. We are actually talking and even having more sex. Yes, it is good to feel. Giving myself permission to feel has been such a blessiing. ...
back to story...

My daughter listened to me talk about how really the yoga was my way to have more time with the family. I have more flexibility also. I called my husband to join into the conversation. He said he felt like yoga was taking more time but now he see's how mom (me) feels. He told her that on Fridays my anxiety goes up because of work, work is busy and stressful- adrenaline needed, and then on Sunday I am recovering from adrenaline. He GOT IT!!! Entire weekend gone. She understood how it would be a blessing for me to not work Saturdays. My husband has seen the blessing of TIME for our relationship. It is amazing. 

So now the hard part...talking to work. Now I will rephrase this into a new way after not sleeping well last night. I see myself going to work today to talk to them. The right people being available. I see them wanting to integrate mindfulness and yoga in to the hospital for employee and patient wellness. I see work wanting to change the hospital dynamics for nurses. I am getting abundance of time and money. Two things that seem at odds with each other.
Purpose: Write down what your purpose is!!!
After some long thought on Friday and Saturday, I know what my purpose is:
To have quality relationships with God, Self, Husband, and Children that involve lots of quality time, quality activities, memories, and Vacations. I have abundance thinking, spiritual growth, great faith (LOA), physcical health, Meditation practice, happiness, joy, peace, love and abundance of energy, knowlege, wisdom. I have abundance of money. I bless other's through my personal health. I bless others through my yoga and mindfulness business. 
Grateful: For my daughter talking to me, my husband helping with dinner yesterday, feeding the missionaries, rain and it's clean feel (we had a down pour), love, time and it's healing power, good nights sleep (I was up at 3 am and many other times), for my many moments of patients with my children (I was so exhausted by my 7 year old and her not getting ready for bed, that I momentarily lost it...notice and come, laughter (I started reading the book Wonder to my kids yesterday and my 5 year old just laughed at all the potty talk...I even had to laugh at his understanding of a book with no pictures. I think all boys come wired with potty, dishwashers, washing machines, and maids (yes for the last few months I have had a maid and it is heavenly. After years of dreading cleaning, I decided to spend my allowance on a maid and my husband said, "no, I can't let you spend your allowance on a maid" and I now we have one in the family budget...I opened up an account for my allowance...not sure what I want with it yet.) 

Plan: I am attracting...
Every weekend with my husband and family. my husband manifesting more money for our family. To have a quality vacation next summer as a family. A trip with my husband....? what. I am attracting visualization abillies. I am attracting an upstairs yoga and media room, new furnishings, new floors, and new pictures and curtains in the next year. I am creating a healthy brain. I am attracting personal growth through my yoga business and mindfulness business. I am attracting a testimony of the priesthood. 
plan today- go talk to work and I will talk to the right people. Appointment with another subdivision. I will be given what I desire to make teaching mindfulness and yoga- $160 hour. I see what is best for my purpose being fulfilled as I talk with work and other subdivision. I even have a cross fit wanting yoga instruction I need to follow up on. I know what is best to fullfill my purpose will open up and doors that need to close will close.