FEAR

FEAR: FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL

2 Timothy 1:7: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

I Have my heart so full right now. Is there anyway to express my gratitude to God to guiding me into a path of light, love, and JOY. When I heard, "[wo]men are that they might have joy", I was really troubled because of my trouble. 

For 20-25 years, I have been troubled and plagued by fear, pain, anxiety, and depression. I continue to see truth manifest in my life in all places truth is found.

My husband wanted to learn more about what I have been learning. It has brought amazing joy in my heart to have him want to learn. We sat last night, me on my Zafu Cushion and him on the chair, and I taught him all about meditation. We then did a 20 minute meditation and prayed together for the first time in a long time. We then did a 5 minute visualization/meditation on what we would like to see CREATED in our marriage. 

That is what is so wonderful, We are CREATORS in embryo but we don't even realize our earthly creative potential. I have learned so much lately. I realize that everything I have been learning in therapy has been pointing me into this same direction. FAITH, JOY, HOPE, TRUTH, CREATING, BELIEVING, BEING, and LOVE as the crowning jewel of all. First a Love of God and the next most improtant love is of SELF. This is not a selfish love. A self-compassion. A life of suffering, stress, hate, fear, pain, and disease (dis-ease) are states that God does NOT want for us. 

I heard this definition of fear today: False Evidence Appearing Real

We can create our reality. Why did I attract a husband who was so unhealthy? I was so unhealthy. I could not see the warning signs and the red flags. My greatest FEAR I ended up attracting. I wanted nothing to do with pornography in any of its forms but what did I attract...what I feared. 

...yoga...later...

...just talked with a dear friend. We have both been through the depths of betrayal trauma. We have both been through pain and suffering. Why did Christ allow this? He allowed this to happen. I always thought he would just take my burden. Fill me with his happiness that he promises. I thought he would manifest it like in the scriptures where it talks of the woman who just touched his hem on his clothes and was healed, I would be strengthened and healed if I could just be good enough, faith enough, sacrifice enough... 

We have shared similar paths. The miracle is that we were brought together. The power of creating is that we both were longing for a friend that truly felt as we felt. The day we stood cleaning chandeliers in the temple was really my first introduction. Then she started coming to my yoga classes. One day everyone canceled but her. We looked at each other and we knew. We knew that there was something we shared. A burden that only we could empathize with. 

So we began a journey these last few years that has been wonderful. We have seen each other see things in a new light. We have grown up in our faith. 

I now see that the church didn't have the tools that could help me. That is hard for me to say because that is what I had faith in. I trusted that the General Authorities talked of healing. I sat in many bishops offices but really had no relief. It was like they thought I should just turn a switch. I started to become confused by their many messages that conflicted. Women who were told that if they had more sex and met their husbands needs better they would be healed. 

The day I called a therapist, I started on my healing path. The path continued as I got on medication to help with brain functioning. The path continued as I learned about Mindfulness and Meditation, and its affects on the brain.

 My new conclusion is that the culture of the church has lots of shame built in. It is possible to change it but not sure how because it is not just the church but our society at large. My family had a culture of shame and concentration what we shouldn't do. A Law of Moses type life.