Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Blogging for Support

I have taken comfort in the blogging world lately. Feeling so many feelings that are painful right now. Pain in my heart over feeling betrayed by a church who was suppose to have truth. Now I see I was treated like a child and kept as a child so I would obey. Obedience when taught is so superficial and crazy. Crazy to think we should obey what one or a group of men think we should obey. When you dive into the history of that list of things to obey, it makes no sense. 
My mom called  me yesterday. I have not talked to her for over a month. She felt like she should marry someone after a day of knowing him because she had a revelation she should. I knew nothing and didn't want her to be happy. She had a blessing that said she had someone worthy to be with. I hoped she played the lottery well and won the jackpot. 
We talked the "how are the kids dialogue" and she asked what my son was doing. I said he was going to go to BYU. She asked about his mission. I said, "I don't know and I don't care. I just want him to be happy at this point. I don't was him to do anything cause everyone else wants him to do it." 
She agree but said, "As long as he stays close to the gospel."
I cringed inside. "Mom, unltimately I just want him to be happy and stop beating himself up that he is not good enough." 
"Yes, but he needs to stay close to the gospel." 
Oh, Mom if you only knew...wait...doen't gospel mean "good news". Oh,, yes mom lets have good news. It is just not how you are going to see it and that will be the hard part. All the family will be shocked. They will not be able to understand or even ask. They will see us as fallen, apostate, and lost for eternity. Oh, but if they only could see the beauty of all God is to me now and for all mankind. 

Thanks. i turned my temple recommend over to my bishop a week ago when he said, “I don’t see how you can go to the temple feeling as you do”. So I handed it over with no regrets. As my husband sat next to me surprised. I never read or heard about OW, as I was on a different faith crisis (better said as a faith growing-up) path (not until last few months did I know about OW).
I was screaming in my head that we all already have access to the priesthood power. No one needs to be ordained or have authority to use it. We all already have it. After these thoughts, as I sat in the Celestial room every other week for almost 2 years seeking answers to many of my life’s challenges. I would be the last to leave and it became my meditation spot (I did have issue with the endowment as my journey progress because I felt and saw that all of mankind already has access to God’s power without any laying on of hands, but that is just how I feel). I just saw I was my own creator with my own mind. My thinking and beliefs were how I exercised that power…called faith. The flood gates opened and the beauty of all religions and the simple truths that are really available to all are not found in any box. Shock, pain, grief, anger, betrayal, and frustration have been the result but I hope to feel and hopefully find a new way in the end. I really see only good from my path in the end. For the present just being where I am.
When I finally learned about OW, I was not sure what to think. I was just a baby with “thinking” for myself. Think! Think! Think! It is hard to use use parts of your brain for the first time after growing up so correlated. What do I think about OW???
Time has passed now and I to have grown and done lots of thinking. I don’t see my recommend coming back or a calling. My 5 kids are going to probably be surprised one day (or maybe not) as there will be a “coming out” of sorts that I can’t be correlated any longer. My temple is now on my Yoga Mat and in my heart. My mind is open and power is mine to hold. It is a lonely path right now and each day I feel a grieving process right now.
Thanks for reminding me that the temple was my first place I found answer and peace in the Celestial room. So grateful I discovered the temple within.
Sorry for your loss and continue to fight for all that you believe in. We must be a thinking, questioning, and discovering people…Joseph Smith would have wanted it that way (I hope).

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