Teens and Sex

My response to the following 

Sexting & the Law of Chastity

blog post at: http://www.wheatandtares.org/15298/sexting-the-law-of-chastity/

As a mother of 2 teen sons and a 12y girl (plus 2 more trailing behind), I have been through a lot of teen anxiety. I see a healthier way but I definitely don’t have many answers. Each child is just so different. I have seen the girls pull my son into the sexting world. Some are so desperate for love that they will do anything and even my son was desperate at times for love (as he was not getting the love he needed at home due to my business and my fear)

A crazy example of what some girls will do. I even got a call last week from a girl saying she was pregnant with my son’s baby, she was willing to get an abortion but she just wanted him back. I then texted my son at school and he calls me. Hard to see that when I am a virgin, he says. Never was able to find out who she was but I had to first show my son I trusted him. I loved him. This is not how I would have been 5 years ago. I would have panicked (not that my heart didn’t skip a beat with the call…lol). There just has to be love and a safe place for teens with an adult who can guide and empower them.

Now I am not so afraid of sexuality of a teen. I was afraid of my own sexuality as a teen. We have addressed his sexting with a girl up north previously- never easy as a parent. Now we have talked about how some girls he has known are really aggressive sexually to get love and he is not attracted to that any longer. We have talked about how really it is just a sign that they have needs not being met or are suffering inside, etc…(not his job to save or rescue)

As I have allowed my son to learn and not be afraid of his mom (dad has always been better at that) because I might panic, it has allowed more open dialogue about girls, relationships, mental health, sex, girl drama (yes, this can be a real problem I have seen). I think boys are just as vulnerable to love through sexting. They are just better at holding stuff in. I see they are just as confused as most of the girls by how to proceed in a healthy relationship.

I think due to brain science, prefrontal lobe development, it is just not possible to have all the judgement, impulse control, and focus needed to make healthy choices as a teen (or an adult for many). I think the focus needs to be on greater body awareness, attention exercises, and mindfulness practices to promote greater healthy prefrontal lobe formation for a life time of happiness and not about control of appetites, shame tactics to prevent, guilt over teen sexuality but empowerment of the child to have an internal guide, self-compassion, and love of self first (as the scriptures state – neighbor was never meant to be next to God…a whole other rant for another time…lol)

Teens are wonderful and their sexuality is important for them to not fear. My husband says, “I was taught ‘don’t look, cause you are barely able to keep from objectifying girls.” His point is that boys are taught to objectify by the language being used to keep them from objectifying. He then spent 30 years objectifying women. You can’t teach a teen this way.

You give them hope and vision of who women are. At our last stake standards night, one of the bishop’s counsel to each of the questions asked anonymously by the youth was to not do it cause of what it would look like as a member of the church. Uhhh…my husband was so upset by this. The shame language is what is keeping the objectification a secret. My husband on the way home said to my son that he didn’t want him to do or not do anything cause of how it might LOOK as a member of the church. He said I want you to have your own internal guide that is honoring yourself, not the church.

Why don’t we bring in specialists to teach healthy sexuality? Do we really know what is healthy sexuality even as adults? I know I don’t. After 20 years of self shame, spouse sexual addiction, and never good enough sexually self-talk. I am just beginning, after 1 1/2 Years of therapy to say to myself, “What is healthy sexuality?…FOR ME!” Tough questions that I want to explore without shame. I would love any resources that promote healthy sexuality through connection and intimacy for adults and teens.
Ideas???

My husband has only recently also discovered the shame he was taught in the church to avoid sexual sins but only drove him to objectification and addiction as a form of self-medication (just as all forms of addiction are a way to escape). He says a woman’s body does not have to be taught as an object but she should be taught to be seen as a person- a human being.
(disclaimer- obviously these are gender stereotypes and can go both ways in but are just the patterns typically seen in each gender…especially my home…lol)