Monday, January 27, 2014

Being Resilient

I had a counseling session last week. He continued on this path of wanting me to get healthy. The big question I have is how to be resilient? That is the word I think fits it the best from my research. So Hubby lied to me a few weeks ago about what he had for dinner. Stupid thing to lie about but I HATE lies. I was hurt. It was a Sunday so he knew he was not suppose to go out to eat. So he lied to cover it up. I saw through it and said to stop lying and walked out of the room.

So my mind goes naturally to...So what ELSE is he lying about. My mind can then come up with some great ideas...but this is an ANT. Automatic Negative Thinking called Mind Reading. Big No No!!! So I say Mind..."don't mind read". Easier said then done. What is accurate? He lied. This hurts inside. I hate lies. I bring up to him that I didn't think he FELT bad enough. Well Counselor said that because he didn't FEEL a certain way that I needed to correct him? Don't I want him to FEEL remorse himself? Well it continues that most men don't feel first. They do and then feel. Women see her neighbor had a baby and needs a meal. She feels for her. She wants to serve her. Hubby would be assigned to bring in a meal (in pretend world) and then would bring the meal out of duty. After he would say... "Wow, I am glad I did that. It feels good to serve". So OK that makes sense. So the saying men have sex and then FEEL love. Women feel love and then want to have sex. I have never liked this saying because of the possible lust avenue it can go. But my counselor says the scriptures are full of examples of both. Duty first and then serve (feel later). Feeling first and then serving. I always thought motive needed to be pure. I guess that is best but not needed. Hence Obedience is the first law under heaven. Love is the greatest commandment but I guess not necessarily needed to start off with.

Back to my lie. So 2 weeks later I bring it up at the counseling session. He said, "Why are you thinking about it 2 weeks later?". I still hadn't felt any resolution. I felt like hubby didn't understand how I felt. (never has so why any expectations....OOPS another ANT....using the word NEVER...soo lets change it to  MOST of the time). Why worry about husband not understanding how I felt? I want something different. But after 20 years is he going to learn overnight? NO! So I have spent occasional moments suffering for him. That was counselors concern. My suffering for something hubby did and that hubby didn't feel the level of remorse he should over his actions. So how does one be happy and not let these things depress them? Not sure exactly. I can ponder this thought and it seems impossible to not let other affect you to some degree. But depression and anxiety that I suffer with may not be the right thing.

Yesterday, I had an appointment with the bishop. It was good. He said I have great faith. He said he wants me to apply the atonement for further healing. He wants me to be able to stand in the prayer circle in the temple and be able to be next to my husband. To feel love toward him...the next level. What do I love about him he asked? I love that he gave me children that bring me great joy (and challenges of course). I love that he goes to work every day to provide for our family. He has always worked and wanted me home with the kids (pain associated with money but he always goes to work even if it has not provided enough). I love that he loves the kids. He even helps me when I struggle with the teens. I get so caught up in the pain associated with teens and he can see past that much more easily. I love when he serves me. It is not as often as I like but I do love service. When my load is lighten it feels great. (my teen cleaned my bathroom why I was at work and when I came home I was so surprised. It felt so good. I am really good at putting myself off and not even cleaning mine. Depression keeps me from many things I want to get done and now I realize my ADD (no hyperactivity) also is factor.)

I told the bishop I can't right now. I can feel that love right now. I want to inside but I can't. When I think about even going to a point of actual love (which to me has a foundation of trust), I am filled with fear. I can't even go there. I think about mechanical love that I lived for the last 20 years. Almost robot like love. Duty love. Have sex 2 times week....done. All is well in Zion because now hubby feels love. I am so empty but if he is OK then all is well in Zion. I get on my knees please help me feel sexually. All would be better if I wanted to have sex with him. But it never came or answered in the way I wanted. I live a life of making myself have sex with him. I can make myself (yes I would block out my heart that ached and just say do it and physical feelings came but usually just a feeling of emptiness in my heart). This kept peace in the home for most of our married life.

When I was told to love, I only felt fear going back to the person I was. All I could envision was 20 years of living in a prison of deadness. Yes there were moments of happiness but I was still in a prison. Coping by not feeling. Ignoring how I felt because then I was a bad wife and never good enough. I was critical, demeaning, and attacking. I love in Victor Frankl's book "Man's Search for Meaning" he says" An abnormal reaction in an abnormal situation is NORMAL." My husband only made me feel CRAZY in my head. Not on purpose to TRY to hurt me but addiction ruled his life and still does in some ways.Eeven though he says he has been in recovery for almost a year now but even if that is true lack of empathy and communication are hard for him. Don't tell me they are for every man because I am tired of excuses because I need them to find healing. I know for that to occur in our relationship these have to be there.

I just started reading a book called "The resiliency Advantage" by Al Siebert PhD. I always have thought of myself as resilient because of the trials I have gone through and still have kept my faith but I find I have lacked some very import parts. I also have thrived in some resilient traits.

"Resilient people are flexible, adapt to new circumstances quickly, and thrive in constant change...expect to bounce back (from developments that may feel totally overwhelming at first)...have good luck...handle feelings in healthy ways. They allow themselves to feel grief, anger, loss, and confusion when hurt and distressed, but they don't let it become a permanent feeling state...they heal....bounce back stronger"

"...when hit with life-disrupting events, you will never be the same again. You either cope or crumble; you become better or bitter; you emerge stronger or weaker."

"deal with [your] situation in [your] way...not tell what to do or how to act or think....people trained ...perform as instructed....fear change....don't problem solve...comes from deciding to learn good skill for bouncing back from setbacks and working to have things turn out well."

- Working to have things turn out well. Now that is an interesting thought.
-What are these healthy ways of dealing with feelings? It seems if I don't talk about my feelings I resort to shutting down and withdrawing.

He talks about avoiding the victim reaction:
 "spiral downward, mired in unhappy thoughts and feelings". "Victim thinking keeps people feeling helpless, and by blaming others for their bad situations, they place responsibility on others for making their lives better...block you from bouncing do not take resiliency actions". 

"Negative emotions such as fear, anger, anxiety, distress, helplessness, and hopelessness decrease your ability to solve the problems you face, and they weaken your resiliency...immune system

Must also share with others. "Stories of survivors...can be inspiring. 

So how resilient am I???
He asks these questions:
What differences have I noticed between people who are highly resilient and those who are not very resilient?

What are your thoughts about the "art of resiliency? What appeals to you about learning resiliency as "an art"?

Rate yourself from 1 to 5 on the following: (1 = very little, 5 = very strong)
1  2  3  4  5

In a crisis or chaotic situation, I calm myself and focus on taking useful actions.
I'm usually optimistic. I see difficulties as temporary and expect to overcome them.
I can tolerate high levels of ambiguity and uncertainty about situations.
I adapt quickly to new developments. I'm good at bouncing back from difficulties.
I'm playful. I find the humor in rough situations, and can laugh at myself.
I'm able to recover emotionally from losses and setbacks. I have friends I can talk with. I can express my feelings to others and ask for help. Feelings of anger, loss and discouragement don't last long.
I feel self-confident, appreciate myself. and have a healthy concept of who I am.
I'm curious. I ask questions. I want to know how things work. I like to try new ways of doing things.
I learn valuable lessons from my experiences and from the experiences of others.
I'm good at solving problems. I can use analytical logic, be creative, or use practical common sense.
I'm good at making things work well. I'm often asked to lead groups and projects.
I'm very flexible. I feel comfortable with my paradoxical complexity. I'm optimistic and pessimistic, trusting and cautious, unselfish and selfish, and so forth.
I'm always myself, but I've noticed that I'm different in different situations.
I prefer to work without a written job description. I'm more effective when I'm free to do what I think is best in each situation.
I "read" people well and trust my intuition.
I'm a good listener. I have good empathy skills.
I'm non-judgmental about others and adapt to people's different personality styles.
I'm very durable. I hold up well during tough times. I have an independent spirit underneath my cooperative way of working with others.
I've been made stronger and better by difficult experiences.
I've converted misfortune into good luck and found benefits in bad experiences.

Your Resiliency Score is: 62 (My friend took it for me who knows my situation and she gave me a 72. So I am probably between these 2 number because I am usually hard on myself)

80 or higher very resilient!
65-80 better than most
50-65 slow, but adequate
40-50 you're struggling
40 or under seek help!

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