Roller Coaster

When things are good you have to just run with it.

If I feel safe, I am not going to deny myself feeling. When I feel  feelings of peace and safety, I a have learned to trust my intuition during that moment but when it leaves I will not beat myself up (or him) that it is gone. It has never stayed for more than a week in our entire marriage (for me). It has been impossible to maintain that kind of feeling for any length of time. I pray the times get longer and closer together (until then I will be patient). I feel patient as I am becoming happier inside.

Yesterday, a miracle happened. A tender mercy. My teens were going on a Youth temple trip for church (or so I thought). My husband was driving and going as a leader. Both of my sons were not going because they are not worthy. I figured my oldest would not go due to worthiness. I found out yesterday that my younger son was not going either. I am so grateful they will not do something they do not feel worthy of doing but inside my heart broke.

My husband was getting changed and I went to talk to him. "So both of our son's aren't going?" "It looks that way" "Well at least they are not going unworthily". "Yes that is true"....wait is my husband going unworthily??? I have no idea. I can ask him. I can be brave. "Are you going worthy?" "Yes, I would not be going if I wasn't". "That has not stoppd you before. " "Yes, that is true. I have done that in the past. I am not doing that now". I felt he was humble and sincere in his words. There was no defensive or need to show off how he was worthy. 

My husband leaves and I have the kids. I call everyone down for scriptures but first I ask my daughter to go read to the younger ones so I can talk to the older ones. I showed them a couple of videos on Fight the New Drug. I was so tired. So tired of a broken heart. So tired of the men and boys in my life struggling with fighting addiction to pornography. I wanted my boys to FIGHT. So I showed them a few videos and I begged them to fight. Well my younger son spoke up and put me in my place...

 "Mom, do you really think we are not fighting? Do you really think we have given up?" 

"I am not sure. You don't talk to me about how you are doing. I just see that you are struggling. You are angry at you sister way to often. I am just tired." 

"Do you not think I am tired. I go to school every day. Everyone is struggling. I go sit in classes I don't want to be in. I am around people doing drugs. The guy next to me is drinking Vodka. Another guy is selling. Another guy is doing drugs in class. I don't think you understand what it is like mom to be a guy. I know you understand from the perspective of girl. Take a guy who is complicated and multiply that by 10 and you get girls. God gave them periods and these mood swings. He gave us guys these constant hormones. Then you have to walk around school and be around girls who" (pause).....

(i insert) "...don't wear much". 

"Yes. You know how hard that is? I fight. Every day I fight. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I don't. When I was 12 I finally understood what I was going through for a year. When I fall, I fall back to when I was 11. I meet with the bishop and I then get back into fighting. (he continues to go through the years) I turn 13....14...I fall back to 11 and think to give up. But I don't mom. I have to fight. I am a guy. Every guy struggles. What matters is they fight. ......"

This lasted for at least 30 minutes with him just sitting with his arm around me. Talking. I am listening and saying nothing. It was so wonderful to have him pour his heart out to me. 

Hubby gets back from temple as we are talking. We finish up. He comes home humble and really kind. Later he said to me.

"I don't want to do what I used to do. When things are not good between us, I just hold onto the memory of when things are really good. I hold onto that hope. I want to you to have your body. I only want you to share your body with me because you want to. I don't want you to feel obligated. Your body is yours. I have not wanted to pressure you because that is not what I want (and he has not...so I assume he is messing up) "

"I don't feel safe. I am scared. I need intimacy"

"I want intimacy to. I need intimacy. I miss you and love you. It is understandable that you are scared and don't feel safe. I don't blame you. It is OK. Just know I love you. "....more was said but this was the main idea. 

Well my heart melts even more. Two men in my life pouring their hearts to me. I am crying and feel so amazing. My heart is full. I just hold onto these feelings and feel them. I was fed and filled. So healing.

Today I feel good. My heart has had a bucket of love poured onto it. It has a short shelf life. If not sustained. It goes away but that is OK. I feel hope. I can't lose hope. Even when things are not good, it is important to have HOPE! A marriage has to be nourished, fed, and weeded like a garden and weeds grow back quickly. Hope is a gift from God. Hope is given to you from taking care of yourself and finding peace in Him. It has no bearing on a husbands actions or inaction. Hope is in eternal things. This life is short but hope in something better is always in the front of my mind.

I sat in a bishops office once and said "I have no hope". "You can't lose hope". " I have none!" ...Hope has been restored because I got help. Hubby got help. We are getting help. Kids are getting help. We all need help. Most important help from a higher power, help from each other, and even professional help is important. These issues are to big to understand on your own. 

LATER....

Like I said....when it is good you just have to run with it because....

I have many "financial" wounds. These wounds are deep and painful. I am triggered by similar things that most "normal" people would think as silly...i.e going to the grocery store, the mall, the movies, etc.

For me the wounds financially have the same kind of "triggers". Purchases made without talking to me. Even if they are legitimate or needed. For example "finding" these purchases on the bank statement in a period of a week was very triggering: $50 toward Superbowl party food for family. $100 toward clothing that we talked about but not to this amount. $200 in car repair costs that were needed but not talked about. $75 grill for the car that seems selfish overall when it could "maybe" be spray painted for $5 (in my opinion but though it wouldn't hurt to try.) Also we did talk about $220 for trampoline pad that was purchased. I was on overload. I tried to talk about it but we couldn't not disagree.

I think for me it is the restitution part that I was hoping to come out by meeting with our financial 3rd party (not our counselor). We are suppose to work just dollars but it seems my feeling are not capable of being a part of the picture. So I see that we are spending more than we are making. We are not behind...yet. I see future expenses and see red flags in my brain with the numbers. I try to talk to husband but he is not hearing me. I tell him we will discuss this with 3rd party.

The problem is that I am not represented. Yes it makes sense that he needs to get the clothes, have a party with the family is good isn't it, car needs to be repaired (it didn't pass inspection), wanting the car to be nice isn't the end of the world (after all it is only $75), and it is understood by the 3rd party as not a big deal.

 My pain and triggers are not even understood. My lack of safety and my fear financially. Yes I know we have no debt and that we sit better than "most"....but it is not brought up that I worked for a full year to pay off his $20,000 sex addiction/food addiction bill as the reason there is not debt (and we I just paid off recently). In the early part of our marriage.... that I sacrificed through 9 years of school...going without. Stressing where the next gallon of milk would come. Living on student loans. Dependent on my mother-in-law for food so I can be home with my babies. He is bringing home $300 a month at times and looking at porn 10 hours a day. Lies about money. Going out to eat and shuffling money away from his checks. House and utilities I would pay up each semester with loans and grants. I was home broke and depressed. That I had 2 babies a year apart  and I didn't realize that we were living under poverty level at that time. So I went to work full time for the next 2 years juggling  house, cooking, depression, exercise, etc...and not seeing my kids except 2 evening a week during that time. I was full of depression by the end and I was told you are doing to much. So I cut back to a couple days a month and went to living on a meager budget so I can be home more, while my husband still is hiding and pulling money from the family to live his life of lies and deceit.

Yes I know this is in the past but there as only been 3 months of no debt and financially being able to live on a budget that we are living on. I have to work to keep us on our current budget and with that I must still sacrifice while he gets what he wants. He makes me feel like I am the problem. I just want to control everything. Get my way....etc.  I agree that the more he lied and hid money and I found out the lies the more stressed and controlling I would want to be. We are talking about years and years of lies and deceit. This is normal to feel betrayed...RIGHT? ...YES and I am not going to be told otherwise.

I hate my carpets. Builder grade carpets that have needed to be replaced for years. I clean them myself regularly (or put the kids to the job) but they look like my husbands grill on the front of his car. It does the job for which they are on the floor for but could use a replacement years ago. So he gets his grill and I see no foreseeable time frame for my desires.

It is not even that I truly care that I get flooring. Can't he care just a little bit to make up for his wrongs that he has done to my heart regarding financial security. To put the family above him. To put his wife over his appetites for .....??? To make some restitution to his broken-hearted  wife. Probably to much to ask of him. He is not capable of even seeing my pain right now. So I will trust in my God and pray for.... More patience. More long-suffering. More sacrifice. More forgiveness. More healing. OK God I trust you are in charge here because I am weak.

So I didn't get through our meeting without tears. I walked out. Sat on the curb crying. My peace gone from my feelings I had toward my husband I described above. The humility gone. The love gone. Trust gone. Thanks goodness I have a counseling appointment tonight. So helpful to work through things.

 I can still be happy. I am not tied to money, sex or food for my happiness or to cope with life. I am a good person.  I am enough. I have money to feed my family. I am blessed. I am grateful I can work at a flexible job. So much to be grateful for.

I was talking to my good friend today. We talked about how we need to learn to deescalate situations. I know that I felt trapped in the situation with the 3rd party. He was put in an odd situation because of my issues regarding hubby's spending. I was triggered. When I am triggered regarding trauma from sexual addiction I get out of the situation. My goal is to limit and decrease triggers. Having a third party was suppose to do this regarding money. It didn't work this time. So how could I have deescalated?

My husband went into the situation with an arsenal of attacks ready for his defense. It worked. I was unprepared. I assumed he would be humble and kind like he was the night before....I was shocked again. This is paralyzing for me in being able to respond in a healthy way. I need to be more aware of how I am feeling in a given situation. I need to pause and reflect. I don't have to feel unsafe. I should have left a long time before. I should have somehow been in tune to the fact that this was more than just numbers to go over but also vulnerable feelings on both of our parts and it would be best for us to visit with the counselor instead. I should have jumped on this the first time there was a defense needed on any of our parts.

I am going to need to learn more about deescalation and how I can put it into practice better. I want power over these situations. I don't want to be a victim to these feelings or his defensiveness. I don't want to get defensive, criticize, show contempt, or stonewall. So how does one do this?  It will be a journey. I know it will not mean ignoring how I feel. It will not mean shutting down. The issues will still be addressed. My pain and feelings will be dealt with in a healthy way. This does not mean I will feel safe or he will be any happier. I will use the resources that I have available to keep me in a good place physically, emotionally, and spiritually. to be cont....