What I learned: I am a good victim.
The Drama Triangle info (link)
Some of the things that happened this week and how I needed to see them:
1. Hubby said no do doing the dishes earlier this week when I was swamped with my yoga studies for my teacher certification. (who cares counselor said dishes can wait. have kids do. Thinking that he does not care is a distortion and then I am a victim)
2.Said my job is to heat up food for kids when we were both home. (sometimes people say things that don't mean. Especially addicts)
3.When I was talking about how my Faith was tried as I have been studying Old Testament, didn't listen. Just put his opinion on top of mine. (does not understand my struggle with my church's history and things that I am not sure about).
4. I wanted to start waking up earlier to do yoga. He said no....not if it wakes him up. He has to go to work. (he falls into same controlling pattern I throw on him if he does not jump when I say.)
5. I talked to him about starting a yoga studio. Shot it down as fast as I could bring it up. (we are both in not good places in the drama triangle and so hard for him to listen to me as well.)
The problem for ME was not that these happened but that I became a victim in many of these situations. I was troubled by each of these situations and fell into the victim roll each time. All I know is that I tend to fall into the victim roll. I don't know how not to get out of it yet. It all has to do with the thinking in my head.
We discussed the Drama Triangle. I thought I was all grown up but I am not. The counselor said "How old were you when you walked into this session?" A CHILD. How old were you now? AN ADULT.
That took an hour. It took an hour for me to see that I was playing a victim role. It does not change that I have been victimized but by not being a victim I am empowered.
I really like being an adult. I like how I feel. People who are victims are anxious and depressed. That was me. I don't want to be that any more. I don't want to be trapped by the Drama Triangle. It zaps the energy out of me.
I said, "Now how do I do that?" That will take longer than 3 minutes. He just wanted me to see I was playing the role of victim. That is why counseling is important. It is impossible to see things in yourself that others may be able to see.
He said, "You are both doing exactly the same thing"....but, but, but it is his fault (in my head thinking)...RIGHT??? He has done things that are very painful and hurtful to a marriage but I am responsible for me and my part in the drama triangle. Can people pull us into the triangle? Yes!
The thing is that we all dabble in the triangle. That is being human. It is no excuse though. We live in a world full of rescuing, depression, anxiety, stress, persecution (abuse mentally and physically). It makes the world go round....LOL.
I go home with my heart open seeing my own weakness. I see that I am only hurting ME by being childish (not something I saw in myself before).
I get home and my husband is helping the kids clean. That melts my heart.
I then had a date with my daughter. We came home. We had a fun time.
Get home and my daughter had to clean her room. The drama triangle in action. Tears, Temper tantrums, daughter persecuting sister, daughter victimized by brother....and on and on. I sat at he computer. I closed my eyes and I said to my self. "I will not be sucked in" BREATHE..."I will not be sucked in" BREATHE..."I will not be sucked in" BREATHE.
My husband does much better with the girl drama then I do. He lets me not get involved this time(someone had to intervene). He gets her to calm down after at least an hour of roller coaster emotions on her part. She cleans her room and by husband takes her shopping. He gets home and she is calm, smiling, and relaxed. I am so grateful for the relationship their father has with his daughters (something that was foreign to me growing up).
He says I am hungry. I was to. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner (risky considering on valentines I had him take me home from the restaurant before we ate). I said sure (felt my heart open to some time together). Where do you want to go? He lists a few places. I said how about....insert name of restaurant we tried to go on valentines...and we could try again? He smiles and said sound good. So we leave. We talked and talked and talked for 3 hours. Just the 2 of us. We sat in the car for the first hour before. We finally decided we better go in. (hour wait) Another hour of talking. Then we sat and ate and talked the entire meal (rare to even speak....I am usually shut down). It was wonderful. He listened to me. Understood me. I listened to him. Understood him. Great evening.
(side note: then we get a call from son on way home from dance at midnight...heart stopped...is he OK? Car stopped in middle of road. Husband leaves. I go to bed. Call in an hour. Get a tow truck. They get home at 3 am. Timing chain broke. Engine may be ruined...felt peace because it was just a car. People are more important!).
Sunday we both wake up with stomach flu. Dinner? We ruled that out because my son had the stomach flu earlier in the week and we ate different things. So we sent kids to church and we laid in bed feeling nauseous, vomiting (just me. He has iron stomach), and diarrhea (TMI). It was awesome time. Kids away and we talked for 3 more hours and we laid there in fetal position holding our stomachs. Thankful it only was a 24 hour bug.
I was able to talk to him about my yoga training, the drama triangle, my faith challenges (for another post), my ideas for a studio, the kids, and more. He said it was nice to have me talk to him. I said it was nice to have you listen and understand me.
Today (2 days after counseling appointment), I have so much gratitude in my heart. I feel such peace and love between my husband and I. I know it will go away again but it comes back sooner and sooner each time. I know that as we continue on our paths for each of us to get healthy individually that we can be healthy in our relationship as well. I can't believe we talked for 6 hours over the weekend. That was like a binge after a famine. It filled me so full. It is nice to feel full. Take those moments and run with them.
I just got Yoga Teacher certified. I am so excited. I have been teaching but it will only take it to the next level. Yea!!!