Watching a River

I do feel very grateful for so many things. I am grateful I am going to my Mindfulness training class. I am 1/2 way through and the the first half I had a real grasp of in my life. It felt like I am reinforcing being present in each moment. We did a meditation last night that really had me thinking. We practiced moving from the breath and instead just observing our thoughts and just observing them like you are sitting on the side of a river.

I have done this type of meditation before but she brought in feelings. Something I am wanting to bring more of into my life. After a life (20 years) of pushing/hiding or denying my feelings. I WANT TO FEEL!!! I brought this up that how do you feel. I like feeling. It feels good to FEEL. I even will take the anger and the aching heart because with this there is still movement inside. Having progressed to a state of deadness, stonewalling, or past-feeling over those years.

 I perfected the denying of feelings. I even struggle with being able to visualize in my mind. It is black. As I have been teaching other people through yoga, I see that most people are able to visualize. I see myself being able to visualize. I see my brain wiring opening that path.

I think it has become my way of coping with betrayal trauma. If I can't visualize what my husband is doing, I feel no pain. This has only hurt me in the long run. I read this blog post yesterday and to me it seems that there is a training we in the church we go through since our youth to push away our feelings. We are taught to shame ourselves and then have to self-medicate. I wonder how many people self-medicate through  very unhealthy methods in the long run: food, sex and pornography addictions, prescription drugs, shopping, gambling, etc. I think we can even use healthy things that can have long-term relationship ramifications if used for medication. For me I have used exercise just to function and if I didn't I could hardly get out of bed.

Now it is so different. I find I am happy most days. It feels so good inside. Now I want to open the blocked areas to feel, to cry, to see, to hear, to just be the ME that is underneath the layers of bricks. So many have come down. It is a process I am OK with. It took a long time to get so closed and the rate of deconstruction is much faster (thank goodness). She said to just be present with what is. If you are feeling allow it and be present with it. If no feelings are present, to  just be present with that as well. It made sense to let go of the striving to feel. This is called RAIN. An important part is always the compassion and kindness one need to have with the self.

I am needing to give notice today. My husband said, I support you 100% in quiting your nursing job to grow my business. I can't work any more Saturdays. I said OK I will on Monday, then Tuesday, and now I say I will today. It feels so good when I think about having that time with my family (I only work Saturday's). I am so grateful I am finding JOY in my family time.