My comments on this post: Seattle LDS to Gays: Come Back, But to What?

Below are my comments to this blog post:

It has been interesting for me this last 1 1/2 years as a female in her 30's with 5 children, and married in the temple to find her "precious" paradigm change. 

I was your typical conservative member because I was afraid of what was out there. I was afraid to ask a question in my heart because I may be one of non-elite to fall. Then I would be doomed to some "lower kingdom" for eternity because I didn't hold to the rod. So I spent all my time pouring over the conference talks and wondering why I was still suffering. Why was I still suffering from depression and anxiety for 20 years. Why? Why? I just needed to do more, do better, serve more, pray more, etc (the typical answers) and so I would try and try and try with lots of shame and guilt to go with my trying to perfect myself. Yes I know grace is there but I needed to practice more (i.e. do more). 

Well as a last ditch effort I went to therapy and I learned that it was really "neural brain paths" that were the cause of suffering. 

As I healed my brain, I had space in my head and then the questions came with great speed. My whole belief system came crashing down when I realized it was NOT some man (i.e satan) on my left shoulder putting negative self-talk into my head...it was ME!!! 

So how does one look at her husband who has also suffered with shame from the same self-loathing that led to self-medication through pornography and prostitution. This domino affect also resulted in a level of betrayal trauma in me that I was not sure it was possible to recover from. Our marriage was so full of lies, deceit,and suffering but on the outside we were your "typical" LDS happy couple at church with their 5 children. 

Then the spiritual experience started happening. I became a certified yoga teacher and began a meditation practice that led to even greater healing. This lead to me questioning and learning that has took me on a path that has led to greater spirituality and a new way of looking at the church. 

Joseph Smith was an amazing prophet but a complex human with many so-called flaws (he was really affected by his culture/science of his time as we are). The future church he organized was always within the culture of the times and actually behind through-out the history of the time but would have to (an continues to) play catch up 20-30 years later. 

Yes, I have change my views regarding LGBT. My heart is so changed it has been scary to go to church at times. I go because I love the good it offers but I don't believe we have a corner on spirituality, truth, ability to save, or prophecy. 

For example, when I questioned my conservative teachings on evolution (i.e the creation story as taught in genesis and other places)and since my last biology class was in high school, I realized the craziness of my beliefs regarding evolution. This led me to see scripture differently and then to question so-called "modern-day" scripture. 

It has been very painful but my heart now goes out to those who have suffered by our culture in the church. I was fearful my soul would be sent to hell to go against the culture but that is how our teachings keeps most of us from searching greater understanding. 

If I would not have had my yoga training (now I am in Mindfulness training), I would not have seen other truths that are not "fear-based". Now I see that Jesus was all about love and most great teachers through-out history have done much good but when we keep our views that "history" as in the scriptures is "true"...we miss the beauty of the scriptures and all good books that contain truth mingled with their culture of the time or later periods that changed according to their culture. 

As I studied evolution in regard to man, I realized I probably evolved from an ape. I know I have a divine spirit, as I feel in my heart as human beings (rant- not human-doings), we are different from other species in our consciousness. I think scientifically we are showing, when one is willing to look and be open to new ideas, that LGBT are viable biological sexual identities. 

As I have studied more about eastern religions, I see a great need in the church and our society at large to take on greater self-compassion (love of self - neighbor was always 3rd in the scriptures), less doing (I call this effortless effort=less stress), less suffering, less striving, more living in the present moment without judgement, less of this past (depression)or future (anxiety) based living, less pain, greater mental health through brain science (not satan based fear), less judgement, more joy, more happiness, more love, more peace, and more acceptance with all our differences, personalities, and choices. 

I am now so grateful for the trauma that I sought healing from because it has resulted in waking up. I enjoy most days filled with happiness and joy even in the midst of my "mormon" faith paradigm shift (I don't think of it as a crisis anymore).