Monday, September 29, 2014


My heart is so troubled. My mind is weighed heavy by this heaviness. What is truth? I have is believing in something you can see...this is creation in it's purest form. I have seen this in action in my life in untold ways.

I am also angry at my husband. I discussed with him my questions regarding the divinity of Jesus Christ, the atonement, the priesthood (ongoing), and the messages of doing/shame as the emphasis in the church. It is very difficult for me after voicing that after speaking to him how I feel we could go camping and still find devotion to God by not "officially" going to church. He brought this up yesterday in defense of his position of taking his daughter to a volleyball game 2 hours away with her team. My point actually was a NEED for increased devotion, meditation, searching, and guiding our children to God in nuruting ways. So now he is leaving this morning and come home late and do a science project. Sounds very soul nurturing to me. He says that I have no idea of his plans. I just can't help but feel that his plans have similar to his "didn't what I say at Chuckee-cheese mean anything"...What? The 30 seconds you say you want to connect with me and then say if we can have a productive conversation that you would be willing to take the heat at work for not going in on a Saturday. NO THANKS!!!(sarcasm intended) I was not feeling productive. I feel PMSing (is there such a word) and also frustrated by our lack of connection. My fear that he will use my questioning as a justification for doing what I call "bad things" or probably more likely things I am afraid of...not that my fear has stopped him before (i.e pornography, a concubine on the side, alcohol, maybe a smoke here and there, etc). His argument that if the Word of Wisdom is just stated as a commandment because prohibition was in vogue and voted as is probably not wrong. Possibly...but his history says "red flag"...excuse to sin...not as a reason to live something even higher.

So yes I guess I can say I am afraid...FEAR...False evidence appearing real? Do I know at this moment he feels this way. Is he now? Not that I know or even care. So dig deaper in my soul. testimony is being put through the ringer. I am afraid that my belief in "my church" and somehow there are "mormons" in heaven. It just does not make the same sense it did before.

My cup emptied when trauma lessened. My fear of searching and questioning left me. I started therapy, became yoga certified, learned about mindfulness in the buddist tradition, started mediating, and depression/anxiety were no longer my guiding light. My head had space and so my desire to search and learn increased. My cup was empty....Please teach me I pleaded to God.....
Empty Your Cup
There once was a Japanese Zen master who received a university professor who came to inquire and learn about Zen.
It was obvious to the master from the start of the conversation that the professor was not so much interested in learning about Zen as he was in impressing the master with his own opinions and knowledge. The master listened patiently and finally suggested they have tea. The master poured his visitor’s cup full and then kept on pouring.
The professor watched the cup overflowing until he could no longer restrain himself. “The cup is overfull, no more will go in,” he said.
“Like this cup,” the master said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?” 

Like the university professor, our cups are overflowing with cares, concerns and worries about ourselves, our families, our jobs, our health, the world, as well as the past, present and future.
Life is noisy – metaphorically, if not literally. It can be hard to stop, because we’ve got a lot of things going on.  Our “Restless Spirit Syndrome” causes us to think about, worry about and dream about a lot.  Like Elijah, we keep running, often motivated by fear and anxiety. 
I am in the thick of issues arising in my heart. So I went to General Women's Broadcast and I found so much troubling to my heart. SO MUCH DOING!!! I have to have space and not more task lists. My feelings of "public optismism" and laying on more doing is depressing for women.

1st Talk: Burton- Be prepared to go to temple. How? Do more!...athletes and going to school as examples of how to be on TOP!. Exaltation=Obedience? Home a temple? 5 wise and 5 foolish virgins; Captain Moroni and his great doing to prepare. Drop by Drop of adding oil by doing: the long list...if we do enough we can be exalted.

I want my home to be a place of safety for my kids. A place to be just where they are and in whatever struggles they have. To know they are loved uncondiitonally. I want my home to be a place of peace but not perfection. I do not want arguing and fighting but open and honest communication. I want optimism and positive outlooks on life taught but a heavy emphasis on being in present moment. To live life of love. These are not what I hear...When I think of the temple now...I think of a place to meditate and creating a present moment connection with God. It is about relationships. It is about Creating. It is about love. It is to BEcoME (We were analyzing the sign in the meeting in the Alaska meeting. It had the co underlined in BECOME ONE...we decided it meant BE__ME. We couldn't find any evidence for that but I love it as a motto. I struggle with become one=sameness)

I can see their good hearts. I love the fruits of the church. We are very good at doing but I see more women struggling like I have for 20 years. Guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, and control issues due to our lack of control in all the doing that can't be done. Do your family history is the current plea.

When I sat in therapy for the first time, I started on a healing journey and path. This only cleared room in my head and I wanted to learn more. I then was blessed with an overwhelming desire to be a certified Yoga Teacher and a miracle opened up in being able to the means to get certified. In my class, it was where I sat and felt the spirit so strong that I questioned where I was at times (I thought we had a corner on the truth an spiritual). I was in yoga training- not church. I would go home lifted and overwhelmed with self-compassion. I remember when I learned about meditation and he said it is simple. When meditate and you notice that you have wandered (which will happen), all you have to do is notice and REMEMBER to come back to the present moment of the breath, without judgement. Wow, this was the meaning of the sacrament...remembering. I was changed from then on.

My next struggle is Covenants, ordinances, and Priesthood. Yes, I know it is very deep but this is where I am at this moment. More questions than answers. My faith strong in a loving God. My faith strong in our creative abilities in our lives. My faith that I AM enough and I AM abundant. My faith that this life is more about creation and less about "a test" to pass. That we create what we want eternally in the present moment. We are expanding in creating peace and love or expanding in creating suffering and misery. It is more gray area and less black/white thinking or good/bad. So hard for me to articulate in writing my heart.

God is guiding me on my path. I trust he is opening up to me what I am seeking. I have watched part of a series on Netflix called Cosmos, and I have been really touched by the reality of God. An analogy I heard somewhere that I love is that a jet engine has enormous energy potential but an intelligence had to create the jet engine. It didn't just appear and neither can it be made without a creative intelligence behind it. If we saw a jet engine in space, we would never question that it had some intelligence behind it's creation. So this I have only been able to increase my faith in. Our creative potential here in this mortal sphere using our minds. I have heard it called by many things with some nuances but overall the same premise of creation.

For example: Law of Attraction, Faith, Flow, Manifestation, Non-Doing or Effortless Effort, Abundant Mentality and I am sure there are many other terms. The key seems to be creating our present moment experiences at a sub-conscious level by our beliefs. Our beliefs are deep and strong. They create our thinking, our dreams, and our feelings. They key to unlocking this power is meditation. To either change our beliefs or create (ask and ye shall receive). I want to create/attract/manifest an abundance of time to nourish relationships with my husband and kids, the money to accomplish this, to have peace inside and lots of self-compassion.

Why is it that the positive message I feel when studying these principles resonate more with me than the 'scriptures" right now? Why is it that I see culture as a major distraction from God? Why is it that I see truth in so many places and right now I am questioning my current "idea of truth"?

I do know I am seeing the answers coming in the right way and right time. I trust the path and I truth the wonder and magnificence of a QUESTION!

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